2/21/03

Bush's attmpted invasion on Iraq is nothing new; Iraq has been our enemy for some time. The United States has a great deal of enemies all over the world, and this editorial will try to help you identify the 'good guys' from the 'bad guys'.

Now, first things first. You may be wondering what criteria exactly is used to determine the 'bad guys' from the 'good guys'. Well, it's not very complicated, actually. The United States will be our base to judge other countries' allegiance by. We are obviously one of the 'good guys', trying to spread 'Good Guy Government', and keep the whole world happy and healthy. The foes we encounter all share several similar characteristics. Here are some examples of classic 'bad guys'.

Adolf Hitler - Germany - Not GGG
Joseph Stalin - USSR - Not GGG

These were both big ol' bad guys ruling under a system unlike ours, otherwise known as "Good Guy Government", or GGG for short. That right there is a dead giveaway.

CHARACTERISTIC #1: A DIFFERENT POLITICAL STRUCTURE

Let's have another look, shall we? These nations have something in particular in common, even today. This may not be as obvious as one may think, but in reality, this is the primary factor that determines the bad guys from the good.

CHARACTERISTIC #2: DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH

You may be saying "But many of our allies don't speak english!" Not so, my friend, don't be so naive. They're all secretly plotting to destroy us and take over the world, and spread their evil propoganda. France? Germany? Are these filthy bastards supporting our good natured crusade in Iraq to free it's inhabitants? I think not. These are BAD GUYS.

Now, here's a look at the good guys.

The first one comes as no surprise, as it has been the States' bitch for some time. This is of course England. They speak English, and have a similar government.

Second up we have Canada, otherwise known as "America Junior". They are basically a weaker U.S.; they speak English and have a similar government. There's a catch here though, as not all of Canada speaks English. Quebec speaks french. This is obviously a large problem, because this country is part good guy and part bad guy. Just know that the majority of Canada is a good guy, but Quebec is full of evil french bad guys.

Third, is Austrailia. They speak English, and their government is more or less irrelevant because they have no influence on anything anyway.

Those are really the only 3 countries that we can trust. The other ones that speak English and have similar governments are useless. The world is full of bad guys, but here's a quick rundown of some of the major ones.

1. China - this is no surprise, they have a lot of people, speak "Chinese" (totally nothing like English, they just say ching chong ying yang and shit like that), and they're filthy Commies. Plus they're big and menacing looking on the map.

2. Russia - This is partly on here because they USED to be filthy commies. Even now, they aren't anything like our great Democracy. They speak Russian, which also is nothing like English. These bastards have a lot of explaining to do. They are also big and menacing looking on the map.

3. The Middle East - That's right. I lumped all of these "countries" together because they're worthless on their own. They all speak some crazy Arabian shit (definitely not English), and their government is terrorism.

So there you have it, our world today. I hope that my column has helped clear up any misconceptions that you might have had about good guy countries versus bad guy countries.