The Football Star
Chad’s life peaked earlier than he would have liked. He was on his high school football team as a quarterback. He had a large degree of success – his team, while never winning “the big one”, often went the whole season with only a few losses. After graduation, he went to Texas A&M and became their star quarterback. Unfortunately, he eventually started to take his skills for granted, and instead of working out before games, he would hang out with friends and drink drano.
Near his graduation, he got so wrecked the night before a game, he was not fit to play when he got there. He played anyway, and his coach allowed it because the stakes were so high. As is the case with many drano drinkers, the drano had soaked into his bones and made them brittle, so he was in a risky situation. At one point during the game, he went for a field goal, but he kicked so hard, his entire leg broke off (thanks in part to the brittle bones, and his lifelong condition of “explosive blood”). The severed leg did go through the posts, earning the team the victory, but this did end his football career on a sour note.
Considering that Chad had no other skills, after graduation he had a difficult time finding a job. Eventually he was hired by the circus as a clown wrangler. This job called for him to dress up in a suit and tie, grow a handlebar mustache, gain 100 pounds, and lead clowns into and out of tiny cars.
He now spends most of his time hanging out at gyms, talking about what a great football player he once was. This photo was taken at one of these gyms. The rest of the time he spends reading articles from pornographic magazines to orphans.
- Kent Wicklander
2002’s Coolest Teacher
This bird was voted “coolest teacher” by Claymore High School’s 2002 graduating class. A “gargoyle” instructor, this bird spent his time helping students learn about various gargoyles in various time periods by using analogies that his students could relate to, such as rap music and sawmill operation. It was these analogies that allowed this teacher, Kevin Whitmore, to become so cool. He was so cool, that he would wear sunglasses while teaching. A great deal of this coolness had to do with his incredible confidence which allowed him to see past the fact that his students frequently skipped his class, insulted him during lectures, and threw rotten eggs and meats at him during class. He knew that these were just manifestations of respect and admiration.
Unfortunately, the principal of the school did not see things his way. She informed Kevin that several of his students’ parents had approached her with complaints that their children were not interested in gargoyles, and felt that they were not particularly important to their education. The parents agreed with this, and many did not even know that gargoyle education was a required course at Claymore High School.
The principal decided that he needed to prove to her that gargoyle education was important, and that he was a valuable member of the faculty. Kevin was unsure of what to do to remedy this situation, but it occurred to him that graduation was coming up, and the “coolest teacher” award was going to be handed out during the ceremony. He knew he had to win this award.
The campaign was a difficult one. His primary opponent, “Magnum” Dan Lagoon, was beloved by all students, as he had told them that if he was to win the vote, they would all pass his class (which was required for graduation). Kevin needed an edge, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. One night he climbed up to a gothic cathedral in the city, and approached one of the gargoyles for a face-to-face discussion. The gargoyle promised that he would win the election, as long as Kevin would give him $6,000 to cover his outstanding gambling debts. The deal was made, and the election worked out in Kevin’s favor. Dan Lagoon, after losing, failed the entire 2002 “graduating” class.
Claymore’s 2007 High School reunion was held several weeks ago. It lasted 3 minutes.
- Kent Wicklander
Risking my Life for Birds
After some extensive soul searching, I have finally decided that my readers need to know the truth. As it happens, a few months ago, I received an anonymous threat in the form of my peep beast being covered in goat’s blood. Below is a photo of the beast prior to the blood incident, as I was too heartbroken to photograph it afterwards.
There was a piece of paper warning me to “cease and desist all bird related activities”. I was shaken, but neither stirred, nor deterred. This is important information that needs to be told. The second threat occurred a week later, when I woke one morning to see a severed horse head in my mailbox (I have an abnormally large mailbox). This really got me on edge, and I decided to keep watch for intruders. I finally caught sight of one of the stalkers, and got a decent photo. I developed it in my lab, (which if I may say, is quite elaborate), but a couple of weeks ago, my lab was burned to the ground, with said evidence in it. I was told in no uncertain terms that my life was in serious jeopardy if this blog was not shut down. Needless to say, this threat got my heart racing, and I had some serious thinking to do.
Well, my thinking is over, and I have made my decision. Stalk me if you must, threaten me, or even try to kill me. This information needs to be told. People need to know about the plight of birds, and if I don’t tell them, no one will. Someone has to step up, and that someone might as well be me. I apologize for my tardiness, and the lack of bird photos in this update, but obviously I have been in quite a serious situation as of late. That said, the stakes have been raised, and I’m not backing down - you can rest assured that your bird information will remain here on this blog as long as I live and breathe.
Bring it on. I’ve got the people behind me, and truth is on my side. People of the world, birds of the world, do not fret. I will not abandon you. And visitors, fear not, you will see some legitimate bird updates soon, assuming I am not dead.
- Kent Wicklander
A Flock of Awesome
I was digging in my backyard, searching for gold, when I noticed the dirt moving. I stood up quickly, shocked. The moving dirt twitched around a bit before revealing itself to be…
A Flock of Awesome
As it happens, this “Flock of Awesome” had been hibernating in an underground beehive. They had been having some difficulty living with the bees, as each of them were no less than 40 pounds, making it difficult to fit in the traditional hive. I’m still not sure what the bees were doing underground.
In any event, these birds swarmed me, and I ended up with my hands tied behind my back in a matter of minutes. I don’t know where the rope came from, nor how they tied me up without arms or hands, but it most definitely occurred.
I was locked up in a cage on wheels (the sort of cage you might see at a circus) that was dragged by the birds to a large house. The birds donned ski masks, and proceeded to break into the house. I couldn’t see all of what they did inside, but after about 10 minutes, alarms went off, and I could see silhouettes of the birds scamper off into the darkness. When the police arrived, I was placed in prison.
I spent 2 years in prison for that crime. I was visited once by a few of the birds. The birds did not speak, but simply stared at me through the 2 way glass for several minutes. They did not blink, or look anywhere else. They just stared. That was the last time I ever saw them.
- Kent Wicklander
Disappointed Bird
This bird is very disappointed in you. He put all of his faith in you and what do you do? You drop the ball. You let the whole team down. You made your grandmother cry.
This bird has never been especially eloquent, nor has he been adept in psychological effects of harsh criticism of children, but he’s doing his best. He knows you are a disappointment, and he is doing his damndest to let you know it, and make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. It’s how he was brought up, and he turned out okay, are you saying you are less a man than he is? You can’t take a little friendly criticism?
Okay, so maybe he was a little harsh. He didn’t have to call you a useless coward that will never amount to anything, and he certainly didn’t have to bring your family into it. The comment about your mother being a whore was particularly out of line. But, as I said before, he is just doing what he thinks is right. And hey, stop turning this around on him, this is about you. You blew it. You were given the chance of a lifetime and you squandered it like the piece of trash that you are.
How many 7 year olds do you think get to be generals of the United States army? Let me tell you – not many. You got to command all those young men into the fight of their lives. But you made a massive tactical error, and now those men and women’s mothers and fathers are crying about their dead son(s) and daughter(s). I hope you’re happy.
Oh, is that right? You did your best? Well maybe your best just wasn’t good enough, ever think of that? Maybe you should have done a little research, ever thought about that? Perhaps you should have read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” or “The U.S. Army/Marine Corps Counterinsurgency Field Manual”.
You may not like it, but this here bird knows what he’s talking about, and I respect his opinion a great deal. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve left me no choice. I’m going to tell your parents about what a bad job you did, and recommend that you are grounded for no less than one whole week.
- Kent Wicklander
The Bird-stache
This bird was never a particularly confident gentleman. Born a bird, he was always ashamed of his heritage. Though surrounded by fellow birds, he always felt inadequate. Because of his feelings of inadequacy, he felt he had to compensate by constantly proving himself. He would constantly pick fights with classmates in school, sometimes beating them with lead pipes, and other times eating their eyes. This made him feel good about himself, and the eyes he digested gave him super vision.
With this new confidence and super vision, he was finally able to go out and reach for the stars, and achieve his dreams. His business idea - “Bearns” - was a huge success. This invention was basically a standard bean, but contained within the bean, was a tiny bear. In other words it was a miniaturized adult bear contained in a hollow bean that functioned as an egg for the bear. When ingested, the bears would hatch in the mouth of the person eating them, and they would go wild, attacking the inside of the person’s mouth.
This invention was such an incredible success, he gained enough money to finally finance the plastic surgery he had always wanted, allowing him to remove his beak, and become what he always believed he deserved to be – a very unappealing, unhealthy, and overweight person.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Oil War
As indicated in the image, this bird is relatively large. This bird lived underground for nearly 2000 years before being awoken by an oil rig drilling into the sea floor in Alaska. It caused an earthquake that shook the bird from its slumber and made it furious. The ensuing battle was one for the ages. The workers on the oil rig used their trademark oil cannons (cartoony cannons that fire globs of oil instead of cannon balls), oilthrowers (flamethrowers but with oil instead of fire) and oil grenades (grenades that instead of exploding, leaked oil for about 10 minutes). All of these special oil weapons did injure the bird creature, but one must remember that this bird was no stranger to oil. It ate oil not just for sustenance, but also for a living.
You see, this bird was employed as an official oil taster for the “Tavern on the Green” restaurant in New York before his 2000 year slumber. Unfortunately for the oil workers, having been sleeping underground with a belly full of oil for the past two thousand years had left this bird immune to oil weapons; not only that, but it gave this bird special oil powers. Powers like oil-vision (essentially X-Ray vision, but instead of seeing through anything, the user can see only through oil). This didn’t prove particularly helpful in this particular battle, but it certainly proved useful as the bird’s job as a witch doctor some years later.
In any event, the battle raged for days, with both the bird and the workers bleeding oil from their wounds, mouths, eyes, and pores. In the end, both sides of the battle had gained a measure of respect for each other, and in the end, all shook hands as friends. They are now known as the stupendous crime fighting team the “RSO” – the “Respecting Oil Coalition”.
- Kent Wicklander
Dolphin Corp. Supervisor
A few years ago I worked for a dolphin manufacturing company where we spent a good deal of time researching different methodologies and technologies to create more sophisticated and efficient dolphins. This bird was my supervisor, and he did nothing but hinder the progress of our project, constantly assigning menial tasks to me and cutting down on my time to work on a new specialized dolphin brain-busting technology.
I was forced to perform intern-like tasks, such as fetching coffee and using Legos to build fake sunglasses for squirrels. I had a real problem working under this bird – he seemed to have it out for me for some reason. Eventually, after completing the tasks I was assigned without complaint, he grew frustrated. Apparently, he wanted me to grow frustrated and quit. Left with no other choices, he challenged me to a bear victim contest, in which we would each be mauled by bears, and the survivor would be declared the winner, assuming there is one. When I declined, he became furious, alleging that I was a coward, and v