Andre
Andre is a very special bouncer, employed by Ahmed at his exclusive Los Angeles club (an article on Ahmed can be found here: http://www.devastationstudios.com/blog/2007/09/10/ahmed-the-club-owner/). By special, I mean it in the same sense that the Special Olympics are special. Andre has always been a little slow. He started Kindergarten 2 years later than his peers, and by the time he made it to high school, he had failed so many grades in elementary and middle school that he was literally a decade older than his classmates when he entered his first year of high school.
Andre did find his niche however, joining the high school Junior Varsity football team as a linebacker. However, due to his “slowness”, he did not know his own strength. Andre had always been a large guy, and as a linebacker he held the statewide record for most injuries inflicted in a single season.
Mid way through his Junior year, Andre was in a game with a highly ranked team from out of town. In one play, as he was charging their linebackers, he bent over too far, and his head crushed straight into the chest of the opposing team’s linebacker. The impact pushed his head into his rib cage with such force that he was never quite the same. He was so dazed, he only managed to injure three of their players in this game.
He wasn’t able to get accepted to even the least prestigious school after “graduating” (his coaches had enough pull at the school to get his grades good enough that he would be eligible to play every game, and these grades allowed him to graduate). However, even with this on his resume, he had great difficulty getting even a low level job. Fortunately, one day Ahmed came across him when he was practicing his Frisbee skills in the park, and saw potential to be a bouncer at his new club, particularly considering the fact that Andre had no knowledge about the existence of the “minimum wage”. He has worked there ever since.
- Kent Wicklander
Earl Ganglia
Earl Ganglia is a retired construction worker who spent most of his life stacking bricks on top of one another. He worked alone, not using any fancy equipment or cement, or working from a plan. He was a master improviser. Unfortunately, while his constructions were often considered to be masterpieces by himself, his clients were seldom as satisfied. Since he used no cement, the bricks did not stay together, nor was a roof possible (he used ONLY bricks, due to the fact that shingles killed his sister – not the affliction shingles, but the kind of shingles that are on roofs). The fact that he did not work from plans meant that the structural integrity of his constructions was very weak. All that aside, for some reason, he was able to sustain himself for at 30 years.
His family life was even less successful than his professional one. He had a one night stand when he was 27, and fathered one daughter. He was not at the birth, because he was in jail after being accused of assault by a Chinese Sasquatch. The rest of his relationships with women occurred in bars, where he would drink excessively, eat chicken wings (if the bar did not serve them, he would bring his own), and shout pickup lines at women that walked by. His entire male-female interaction was composed of the rare occurrences when they would respond (always with loathing).
After he was forced to retire (one of his terrible constructions finally collapsed with people inside, killing a family of 7), he was financially destroyed. He was forced to move in with his daughter who he had never met. She was married and had 3 children, and was not happy to have him mooching off of her. She allowed it however, as she pitied him. He drank beer, ate chicken wings, and watched football games on her television all hours of the day and night, never sleeping or moving. Sometimes her children would want to watch cartoons, but he would drunkenly shoo them away, spitting bits of chicken wings all over them as he did so. Other times they would have company over for a party, but Earl absolutely refused to move, and would indicate this sentiment by screaming. It was suggested that he look for work elsewhere, perhaps as a snowboarding instructor, but he wasn’t interested.
- Kent Wicklander
Sturgis Filbourne
Sturgis Filbourne is a full-time singer/songwriter who spends most of his time performing publicly. His venue of choice is sidewalks and street corners. During performances, Filbourne likes to take requests from his audience, and therefore must memorize a vast library of popular classics. It goes without saying, that Filbourne is a talented singer. His knack for song writing is admired by legends like Elton John, Tennesse Ernie Ford, Dale Earnhardt, and Miguel Jackson.
Below is a picture taken of Filbourne while performing. To hear an audio clip of one of his performances, click here: Sturgis Filbourne Performance
- ‘Shar Kassai
The Bird on the Mountain
You’ve almost finished scaling one of the highest mountains in the world. It has been a long and arduous journey, but once you reach the peak, you know it will have all been worthwhile. This trek was planned years in advance, and you had been going through rigorous training every day prior to the climb. Many times during the climb, you feared for your life. There have been many tests of your resolve. Frostbite, broken limbs, near starvation… but now you’re here. It’s all over, and you’re about to receive the glory. You have just accomplished what very few can claim to have done. You are one of the elite – a master of your chosen craft. You will be envied long after your life has come and gone, and your children’s children will speak often of you with great reverence.
But wait… you’re not alone at the peak… There is someone else…
Your mouth is gaping open, your eyes as big as saucers. What is it? How did it get here? Why is it not frozen, as it lacks clothes? How is it energetic enough at this point to be dancing?
It speaks to you.
“Hey man, got a light?” it asks. You are stunned. This thing is on top of one of the tallest mountains in the world, and it wants to smoke a cigarette? It doesn’t seem to realize the gravity of what it has done. You rub your eyes – surely this is a hallucination. It’s possible, right? You have been alone for many days, and have been faced with challenges no normal man could ever survive. Could insanity be the unfortunate consequence of your daring quest? Do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your questions are suddenly halted when a tactile presence is made apparent by this creature. It shoves you. “I don’t have all day, old man, you got a light or what?” it asks. “S… sorry, no…” you respond. “Whatever dude, I’m splitsville,” and with that, it puts on sunglasses, outstretched its arms, and dives off the peak. You sit in silence for several minutes, trying to wrap your head around what has just happened. If you speak of this, who would ever believe you? And if you don’t, who’s to say that this bird won’t be the first to the press, burying you and your climb with insults and condemnation? These questions must wait however, as you must descend the mountain before you die from starvation of freeze to death.
- Kent Wicklander
Solid Bird
It’s time for a special guest bird entry today – Germany will be inducting this next bird… Solid Bird.
October 14th 1991, the incident known as “Flock of chickens” took place in the south part, but not too far south portion of Abraham North Dakota. It was here that the “migrating feathers” took control of the “nest” and threatened to shift all patterns of flight everywhere. It was at the “nest” that a giant secret egg was being incubated. This egg, if hatched would through the species into turmoil and discommevolution. The powers at hand brought an old forgotten scavenger out of the cage for one final roost. His real name long forgotten, Solid Bird was sent in a last ditch effort to abort the “egg.” This exothermic image was taken moments before the hatching on that fateful day and is the last known reconnaissance of the famed Solid Bird. The fallout from the “nest” forever would change the hearts and minds of all sentient flyers everywhere.
- Germany
The Football Star
Chad’s life peaked earlier than he would have liked. He was on his high school football team as a quarterback. He had a large degree of success – his team, while never winning “the big one”, often went the whole season with only a few losses. After graduation, he went to Texas A&M and became their star quarterback. Unfortunately, he eventually started to take his skills for granted, and instead of working out before games, he would hang out with friends and drink drano.
Near his graduation, he got so wrecked the night before a game, he was not fit to play when he got there. He played anyway, and his coach allowed it because the stakes were so high. As is the case with many drano drinkers, the drano had soaked into his bones and made them brittle, so he was in a risky situation. At one point during the game, he went for a field goal, but he kicked so hard, his entire leg broke off (thanks in part to the brittle bones, and his lifelong condition of “explosive blood”). The severed leg did go through the posts, earning the team the victory, but this did end his football career on a sour note.
Considering that Chad had no other skills, after graduation he had a difficult time finding a job. Eventually he was hired by the circus as a clown wrangler. This job called for him to dress up in a suit and tie, grow a handlebar mustache, gain 100 pounds, and lead clowns into and out of tiny cars.
He now spends most of his time hanging out at gyms, talking about what a great football player he once was. This photo was taken at one of these gyms. The rest of the time he spends reading articles from pornographic magazines to orphans.
- Kent Wicklander
2002’s Coolest Teacher
This bird was voted “coolest teacher” by Claymore High School’s 2002 graduating class. A “gargoyle” instructor, this bird spent his time helping students learn about various gargoyles in various time periods by using analogies that his students could relate to, such as rap music and sawmill operation. It was these analogies that allowed this teacher, Kevin Whitmore, to become so cool. He was so cool, that he would wear sunglasses while teaching. A great deal of this coolness had to do with his incredible confidence which allowed him to see past the fact that his students frequently skipped his class, insulted him during lectures, and threw rotten eggs and meats at him during class. He knew that these were just manifestations of respect and admiration.
Unfortunately, the principal of the school did not see things his way. She informed Kevin that several of his students’ parents had approached her with complaints that their children were not interested in gargoyles, and felt that they were not particularly important to their education. The parents agreed with this, and many did not even know that gargoyle education was a required course at Claymore High School.
The principal decided that he needed to prove to her that gargoyle education was important, and that he was a valuable member of the faculty. Kevin was unsure of what to do to remedy this situation, but it occurred to him that graduation was coming up, and the “coolest teacher” award was going to be handed out during the ceremony. He knew he had to win this award.
The campaign was a difficult one. His primary opponent, “Magnum” Dan Lagoon, was beloved by all students, as he had told them that if he was to win the vote, they would all pass his class (which was required for graduation). Kevin needed an edge, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. One night he climbed up to a gothic cathedral in the city, and approached one of the gargoyles for a face-to-face discussion. The gargoyle promised that he would win the election, as long as Kevin would give him $6,000 to cover his outstanding gambling debts. The deal was made, and the election worked out in Kevin’s favor. Dan Lagoon, after losing, failed the entire 2002 “graduating” class.
Claymore’s 2007 High School reunion was held several weeks ago. It lasted 3 minutes.
- Kent Wicklander
Risking my Life for Birds
After some extensive soul searching, I have finally decided that my readers need to know the truth. As it happens, a few months ago, I received an anonymous threat in the form of my peep beast being covered in goat’s blood. Below is a photo of the beast prior to the blood incident, as I was too heartbroken to photograph it afterwards.
There was a piece of paper warning me to “cease and desist all bird related activities”. I was shaken, but neither stirred, nor deterred. This is important information that needs to be told. The second threat occurred a week later, when I woke one morning to see a severed horse head in my mailbox (I have an abnormally large mailbox). This really got me on edge, and I decided to keep watch for intruders. I finally caught sight of one of the stalkers, and got a decent photo. I developed it in my lab, (which if I may say, is quite elaborate), but a couple of weeks ago, my lab was burned to the ground, with said evidence in it. I was told in no uncertain terms that my life was in serious jeopardy if this blog was not shut down. Needless to say, this threat got my heart racing, and I had some serious thinking to do.
Well, my thinking is over, and I have made my decision. Stalk me if you must, threaten me, or even try to kill me. This information needs to be told. People need to know about the plight of birds, and if I don’t tell them, no one will. Someone has to step up, and that someone might as well be me. I apologize for my tardiness, and the lack of bird photos in this update, but obviously I have been in quite a serious situation as of late. That said, the stakes have been raised, and I’m not backing down - you can rest assured that your bird information will remain here on this blog as long as I live and breathe.
Bring it on. I’ve got the people behind me, and truth is on my side. People of the world, birds of the world, do not fret. I will not abandon you. And visitors, fear not, you will see some legitimate bird updates soon, assuming I am not dead.
- Kent Wicklander
A Flock of Awesome
I was digging in my backyard, searching for gold, when I noticed the dirt moving. I stood up quickly, shocked. The moving dirt twitched around a bit before revealing itself to be…
A Flock of Awesome
As it happens, this “Flock of Awesome” had been hibernating in an underground beehive. They had been having some difficulty living with the bees, as each of them were no less than 40 pounds, making it difficult to fit in the traditional hive. I’m still not sure what the bees were doing underground.
In any event, these birds swarmed me, and I ended up with my hands tied behind my back in a matter of minutes. I don’t know where the rope came from, nor how they tied me up without arms or hands, but it most definitely occurred.
I was locked up in a cage on wheels (the sort of cage you might see at a circus) that was dragged by the birds to a large house. The birds donned ski masks, and proceeded to break into the house. I couldn’t see all of what they did inside, but after about 10 minutes, alarms went off, and I could see silhouettes of the birds scamper off into the darkness. When the police arrived, I was placed in prison.
I spent 2 years in prison for that crime. I was visited once by a few of the birds. The birds did not speak, but simply stared at me through the 2 way glass for several minutes. They did not blink, or look anywhere else. They just stared. That was the last time I ever saw them.
- Kent Wicklander
Disappointed Bird
This bird is very disappointed in you. He put all of his faith in you and what do you do? You drop the ball. You let the whole team down. You made your grandmother cry.
This bird has never been especially eloquent, nor has he been adept in psychological effects of harsh criticism of children, but he’s doing his best. He knows you are a disappointment, and he is doing his damndest to let you know it, and make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. It’s how he was brought up, and he turned out okay, are you saying you are less a man than he is? You can’t take a little friendly criticism?
Okay, so maybe he was a little harsh. He didn’t have to call you a useless coward that will never amount to anything, and he certainly didn’t have to bring your family into it. The comment about your mother being a whore was particularly out of line. But, as I said before, he is just doing what he thinks is right. And hey, stop turning this around on him, this is about you. You blew it. You were given the chance of a lifetime and you squandered it like the piece of trash that you are.
How many 7 year olds do you think get to be generals of the United States army? Let me tell you – not many. You got to command all those young men into the fight of their lives. But you made a massive tactical error, and now those men and women’s mothers and fathers are crying about their dead son(s) and daughter(s). I hope you’re happy.
Oh, is that right? You did your best? Well maybe your best just wasn’t good enough, ever think of that? Maybe you should have done a little research, ever thought about that? Perhaps you should have read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” or “The U.S. Army/Marine Corps Counterinsurgency Field Manual”.
You may not like it, but this here bird knows what he’s talking about, and I respect his opinion a great deal. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve left me no choice. I’m going to tell your parents about what a bad job you did, and recommend that you are grounded for no less than one whole week.
- Kent Wicklander
