The Great Serpent: Part 6
If you have not read part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, or part 5, do so before reading part 5.
By now the castle inhabitants had snapped out of their fascination and began to prepare for the inevitable oncoming battle. With Paonanalobogar and Wanahanakukouha gone, the responsibility of guarding the castle had fallen into the hands of their resident rodeo clown. Guards were stationed downstairs by the gates, armed for combat. The door was fortified with seven small band aids. Bags of flour were placed atop the castle walls to drop down on the enemies while they tried to break through the door / band aids. They were confident that they were going to win.
The enemy army was marching towards the castle at a steady pace, with Xuthos leading the way atop his monstrosity, still clutching the glowing egg. The closer they got to the castle, the brighter it glowed. When they were about 100 feet from the door, they stopped. The unicorn-horn-magic-man lifted the palm of his hand up to his shoulder, and Xuthos stepped on. The hand lowered slowly, and Xuthos stepped to the ground. He stepped forward and began to shout.
“Pretender to the throne! come out here and face the consequences for your actions! The true king will reign forever!”
The miners behind him looked at each other in puzzlement. A large man in suspenders stepped forward towards Xuthos. “I thought you said we were going to go back to the way things were. What is this king crap about? We’re not budging if you don’t explain yourself!” The other miners nodded in approval.
Xuthos’ eyes narrowed, and he lifted his slender finger towards the door. The man in suspenders jerked forward as if a marionette on strings. His elbows and knees jerked about in the air independently, sending him towards the door. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he began to chant. The other miners followed suit shortly after. They moved surprisingly quickly, charging the door and awkwardly flailing their arms against it. They were screaming, but it was not a battle cry, but a shriek of sheer terror.
Inside the castle, the band aids weren’t holding well. There were several people holding each band aid in place to keep the doors shut. Tension was increasing, but there were enough people waiting behind the door to ensure tremendous bloodshed, if they actually had real weapons instead of inflated balloon mallets.
Paonanalobogar waited in the bushes in his armor, sweating profusely. He didn’t know who this man was, but he apparently knew his true identity and wanted to hold him accountable. Fortunately, no one else seemed to know, or care, so Paonanalobogar decided his only option was to silence his critic.
The armor burst out of the bushes, and Paonanalobogar in his exoskeleton charged as fast as it could. The armor took a left step, and a right step, a left step, and then another left step. This miscalculation was costly, as the legs spread out and could not support the weight of the armor. The torso came crashing down between the legs, forcing a devastatingly forceful splits. The impact shook the armor to its core, and Paonanalobogar’s head crashed into the control panel, splitting the serpent suit and cutting deep into his forehead. He screamed in pain and flailed around within the armor uncontrollably, accidentally hitting the lemon mortar release lever. The lemon mortar armament began to leak into the cockpit into his open wound.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 5
If you have not read part 1, part 2, part 3, or part 4, do so before reading part 5.
“No! You don’t have to do this!” Wanahanakukouha shouted at her husband as he ran down the stairs.
“Yes, I have to prove to everyone that I deserve this!” he yelled back without even turning around. Wanahanakukouha knew that he was going to the cellar to activate his armored robot exoskeleton. The Great Serpent, or rather the man in the serpent skin (“Paonanalobogar” as his wife knew him) was never a good robot exoskeleton “pilot”, but he certainly enjoyed using it to terrorize nearby citizens. He would enter a city and demand cotton candy and “Tom and Jerry” fanfiction. Most citizens had no way to meet these demands as they were all scavenging for food themselves, after the war. These citizens, of course, were those people deemed too weak to work in the mines, so they were left to fend for themselves. Many of them were eaten by the mutated lions that now roamed free throughout America, but the rest led lives as homeless scavengers.
If his demands were somehow met, he would simply eat cotton candy and read the fanfiction, but if, as was normally the case, they were NOT met, he would go on a rampage. His exoskeleton was armed to the teeth with all sorts of revolutionary weapons. It was equipped with cannons that sprayed lemon juice into the eyes of his foes. Its fingers were each machine gun barrels that launched rapid fire lemons. It even had several mortars attached to its back, so that it could bombard the enemy with giant, poisonous lemons from hell.
If anything was going to stop the unicorn-horn beast, it was his robot exoskeleton, but Wanahanakukouha didn’t want to see her husband in harm’s way again. Fortunately, she had won a pterodactyl in a poker game with a caveman and had trained it to carry her from place to place. She loaded her satchel with a 40 pound slice of cheese and boarded the pterodactyl to join her husband in combat.
Meanwhile, the unicorn-horn-magic-man continued his march up the hill towards the castle. The castle was shoddily constructed due to Paonanalobogar wanting to have a castle immediately for purposes of prestige. It was already starting to buckle under its own weight, and if the people from the mines (let alone the unicorn-horn-magic-man) ever got inside, it would likely collapse, killing everyone inside without any sort of battle being necessary. The castle-dwellers weren’t aware of the structural problems however, so they were simply looking over to see what would happen. They were particularly interested in the man on the unicorn-horn-magic-man’s shoulder, who seemed to be commanding the army.
“Xoc Xuthos” stood on the mammoth shoulder of his creation. He wore a long, dark robe concealing his slender frame. He was an old man, well into his 80s, and his left eye was completely blood red. He had a thin (but long) beard that was tied into a braid under his chin, but no hair on his scalp. He had a huge scar from the top of his head down to his lips, between his eyes and splitting his nose. He grinned, revealing that most of his teeth were missing, and the ones that remained were gold. Xuthos slowly got to his feet with the help of his wand (doubling as a walking stick), and he began a chant in Latin. The miners below followed suit, chanting methodically with him. He reached his hand into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a small egg. He clasped it in his hands and it began to glow.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 4
If you have not read part 1, part 2, or part 3, do so before reading part 4.
“Stand back! Queen Wanahanakukouha has arrived!” a knight announced. The new Queen entered the room wearing a long red silk dress and a unicorn-horn covered crown. She wore an expression of smug contentment.
There had been a great deal of excitement and controversy over what had been considered an inter-species marriage between Queen Wanahanakukouha and The Great Serpent King. Some thought that it would ease the tensions between humans and serpents and perhaps alleviate what could be a coming war. Others were simply disgusted that a serpent would resort to taking a human queen. Still others were horrified that a human woman would betray her own species. Unfortunately, The Great Serpent was now fatter and more evil than ever, and he ruled with an iron fist, continuing the human oppression – exempting only his human wife.
The new queen walked through the center of the room towards her husband, the Great Serpent King, sitting on his throne. He took her hand and stood up, following her out the door onto the balcony. They looked over the edge of their new castle, surveying the kingdom. A cloud of dust hovered over everything in sight, from the extensive mining being done by human servants. They watched as a group of about a hundred serpents walked down towards the mine with empty wheelbarrows. This was a regular procedure where the serpents gathered the unicorn horns that had been dug up in the mines and brought them back to the castle. The queen had developed a fondness for watching this process, though her husband was less receptive due to his limited visibility through the serpent skin disguise.
A thunderous boom shook the entire castle. Everyone was terrified – serpents were not used to earthquakes. But this was no earthquake. The Great Serpent King was the first to spot it. Barely visible through the cloud of dust, movement was seen. An enormous white column burst out of the ground, followed by another. The columns rotated as they continued moving out of the earth, and another, larger white mass was seen holding them together at the ends. The larger white mass started twisting, and the columns bent in the middle. The white object then began to move organically.
By now everyone was watching over the balcony. As they watched in horror, The Great Serpent and his wife had no idea what to make of what was happening. As it continued to rise into view, its shape became apparent – it was humanoid in structure – two arms and two legs, but it was all white and lacked any distinguishing features. It had hands with long, slender fingers with at least 5 joints each. It was at least 500 feet tall.
“Look!” Wanahanakukouha shouted as she pointed at its shoulder. Everyone squinted and a small figure was spotted. It was a person. The figure was making grand gestures, and a massive horde of people came swarming out of the mine towards the incoming serpents. The white monstrosity turned towards the serpents as well. What followed was less a battle than it was a massacre.
“No wonder we’ve been facing a horn shortage!” Wanahanakukouha said. “They’ve been collecting them and gluing them together to make a giant monster, and they used their magic spells to bring it to life!”
The revolt had begun.
- Kent Wicklander
Big Wilson on the Beach
- ‘Shar Kassai
Strongar
- ‘Shar Kassai
The Great Serpent: Part 3
If you have not read Part 1 or Part 2, do so before reading Part 3.
“Wenches! I demand wenches!” the Great Serpent shouted. He lay on a golden throne, wearing a silk coat covered in jewels. Two knights entered the room dragging a woman in tattered clothes, kicking and screaming up the crimson carpet towards the Serpent. “Well hello there” he said. “How would you like to be my concubine tonight?”
Suddenly the door burst open. A fat, bearded man holding a wand stood in the doorway. He shouted “That’s my wife!” and pointed his wand at the Great Serpent. The Great Serpent laughed heartily, and commanded his knights to attack. The fat man was surprisingly nimble, dodging the swords, doing somersaults in mid-air, doing the splits in mid air while doing a backwards somersault, and so on. Eventually he was positioned between the two knights who had their swords drawn. They each lunged, plunging their swords right into his heart… but they continued forward, through his body. They lost control and slipped, and plunged their swords into each other’s chests. They fell to the ground in a heap. The fat man re-appeared at the doorway. “Hologram!” he shouted.
He took a few steps forward. The Serepent stood up and narrowed his eyes. He picked up his sceptre and stood between the fat man and his wife. The fat man screamed and charged.
The ensuing battle was back and forth, but eventually the Serpent gained the advantage. He got the fat man pinned to the ground and asked “Any last words?” The fat man pointed his wand at the top of the serpent’s head and the serpent’s skin peeled off like a banana, revealing a man in a yellow raincoat. There was several seconds of silence, and then the man in the raincoat began to cackle.
“We killed the serpent in the alley, no one could survive that barrage of punches. But we saw an opportunity - if we removed his skin and used it to pose as him, we could rally support behind our cause and ultimately rise to great power. And now you will die!”
His eyes widened and his grin quickly turned to a frown. He twitched several times before falling to his knees. Behind him, the fat man’s wife stood with part of the broken armrest from the throne still in her hand. The other half of the armrest was deeply embedded into the fisherman’s neck. She ran to her husband and they embraced.
The fat man looked around, back at the fisherman, and down at the skin. A sinister grin crossed his face. “What do you think, Wanahanakukouha?” Wanahanakukouha narrowed her eyes and grinned, while clasping her hands together in an evil-looking fashion. It was time for a new king. A king who is fatter and more tyrannical than ever before!
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 2
If you have not read Part 1, do so before reading Part 2.
This was not the first anti-serpent hate crime, but it was the one that brought the discrimination into the national spotlight. This serpent re-focused his life on his career as a politician, determined to correct the inequality and reverse the hatred that had led to his attack. He abandoned his dark sunglasses and toothpick, instead opting to get a neat, $500 haircut and wear nice suits.
It could be said that he was actually too successful. Instead of removing the hatred, he actually did reverse the hatred. This led to sea serpents from all around the world coming out of the ocean and joining the cause, most of whom were drunk. They had no intention of waiting for change to happen through protest marches and petitions however, which was a good decision on their part because due to their drunkenness, they were unable to form coherent thoughts to persuade anyone. Instead they took it (and crowbars) into their own hands to make it happen.
The sea serpent revolution was a violent (and drunken) one. They spread across the nation, crowbars in hand, and to set an example, they did not discriminate in who they attacked. Women, children, the elderly, pets, it was all fair game to them. Kneecaps were broken, ribcages were shattered, brains were eaten. The serpents took over the nation with their overwhelming numbers after mere weeks.
The great serpent was appointed the King of America, and his administration was not a merficul one. Clowns were forced to tapdance at gunpoint for his amusement, all food was replaced with horse hooves and frog eyes, and people were forced into the coal mines to dig for unicorn horns, while being yelled at by robots. It wasn’t long before the newly oppressed human race began to forget all of their original differences and band together to form a plan to revolt and re-take their country. Fortunately, since most humans are closet sorcerers, they had magic on their side.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 1
When the great serpent rose from the sea, all the fishermen took notice. They knew what this meant: the fish had finally had enough of being captured and eaten, so they summoned their evil fish god. This could spell trouble for the fishing industry.
However, unlike most summoned evil beings, the serpent didn’t want to get involved, instead wanting to relax and watch “America’s Got Talent” on TV, while commenting to friends that he could in fact be on that show if he wanted. Immediately upon surfacing, this serpent wore dark sunglasses and was picking his teeth with a toothpick. He looked around slowly at the boats and shouted “Hey, what are you assholes looking at! never seen a great serpent before!?”. At this point he began to swim to the shore.
When he reached the shore, he stopped by a nearby “Hot Topic” to purchase some t-shirts and shorts featuring catchphrases from popular television shows. After he was dried off and dressed, he summoned a taxi and (after making some racist comments) told the driver to take him to the nearest “Fox and Hound” so he could get drunk.
At this point some of the fishermen who were keenly interested to see what the serpent did summoned another taxi to follow him. When he arrived and stepped into the Fox and Hound, they followed a few minutes later. The serpent, already drunk, began shouting obscenities at them. The bartender warned him several times, but instead of calming down, he slammed his beer bottle on the edge of the table and began swinging the broken glass around at whoever was nearby. Soon, the bouncer had him pinned to the ground, and he was outside on his ass within minutes. “Fine, I wanted to leave anyway!” he shouted at the inanimate building. He staggered off the sidewalk into the street and was nearly hit by a Civic. The driver screamed at him, but when he caught a look at her he began making sexually suggestive comments while walking over to her door. When he got close enough, she rolled down her window and sprayed him in the face with mace.
The fishermen who had followed him outside saw their chance, grabbing him and taking him into a nearby alley, where they took turns rolling up their sleeves and slugging the helpless serpent in the face. When they felt they had made their point, they left him lying in a pool of his own blood.
- Kent Wicklander
Courtney Cox’s Moonshine Obsession
Magmo Moonshine is one of the wealthiest men in the world thanks to his revolutionary innovation in the field of intoxicants: Moonshine. He invented this after years of research (which in this case consisted of Magmo pouring gallons of moonshine down the throats of women he picked up on the street). He knew he had perfected the product when the women stopped struggling after the first few gallons.
Obviously this invention made him millions of dollars which he used to get plastic surgery to make himself the most handsome man in the world. Obviously, this came true, and maintaining his beauty became his constant obsession. Unfortunately, after he was diagnosed with cancer and began undergoing chemotherapy, he lost some of his hair. This greatly depressed him because he placed a great value on his appearance, so he went to the best wig maker in the industry – Don King.
King made him the wig you see before you here. This post is the first revelation that this is in fact not his real hair. I have already been threatened by Magmo’s lawyers, but I am prepared to face the consequences in order to bring you this truth. In fact, I am expecting a lawsuit. I am being paid substantially by Magmo’s ex-wife Courtney Cox to bring this lawsuit upon myself to distract his lawyers from their divorce proceedings. The fact that he lost his hair is the reason for the divorce, and the hope is that now that the public knows that this is in fact a wig, everyone will feel betrayed (as Cox did) and public opinion will shift away from Moonshine and towards Cox.
- Kent Wicklander
Simon and Ferdinand the Fern
Simon always felt sorry for children with imaginary friends. He thought it was sad that they were so alone that they had to resort to talking with themselves. While Simon was never the most popular guy, he always had somebody to talk to. Sure, they were plants, but at least he could see them.
There were a few issues with this, of course; they were smaller than people and look nothing like them, they died easily, and so on – but the biggest problem, of course, was that the plants didn’t respond. Ever. So Simon dedicated his adult life to solving this problem.
Simon is no scientist, he knows nothing about genetic engineering, he has no money to finance anything of that nature, and he has no friends to help him. What he does have, however, is arguably more valuable than any of those things; the phone number of Tiger Woods.
Simon has called Tiger Woods every day for the past 5 years, asking for help. Tiger Woods, so far, has not been receptive, but last month, Simon came up with a plan. He hitchhiked to the next golf tournament so he could finally present his case face-to-face; and he wasn’t alone. He brought with him Ferdinand the Fern, his best friend since he was six years old. Simon wanted to make sure he was convincing, so be put a fake beard and sunglasses on the fern, so he would appear more human.
When he got to the golf tournament, he shoved his way through to the front of the crowd. When Tiger was close by, Simon lunged forward with Ferdinand, screaming about plants and imaginary friends. He tackled Tiger to the ground and kept screaming in his ear until security pulled him off and carried him away into custody.
- Kent Wicklander
