The Great Serpent: Part 1
When the great serpent rose from the sea, all the fishermen took notice. They knew what this meant: the fish had finally had enough of being captured and eaten, so they summoned their evil fish god. This could spell trouble for the fishing industry.
However, unlike most summoned evil beings, the serpent didn’t want to get involved, instead wanting to relax and watch “America’s Got Talent” on TV, while commenting to friends that he could in fact be on that show if he wanted. Immediately upon surfacing, this serpent wore dark sunglasses and was picking his teeth with a toothpick. He looked around slowly at the boats and shouted “Hey, what are you assholes looking at! never seen a great serpent before!?”. At this point he began to swim to the shore.
When he reached the shore, he stopped by a nearby “Hot Topic” to purchase some t-shirts and shorts featuring catchphrases from popular television shows. After he was dried off and dressed, he summoned a taxi and (after making some racist comments) told the driver to take him to the nearest “Fox and Hound” so he could get drunk.
At this point some of the fishermen who were keenly interested to see what the serpent did summoned another taxi to follow him. When he arrived and stepped into the Fox and Hound, they followed a few minutes later. The serpent, already drunk, began shouting obscenities at them. The bartender warned him several times, but instead of calming down, he slammed his beer bottle on the edge of the table and began swinging the broken glass around at whoever was nearby. Soon, the bouncer had him pinned to the ground, and he was outside on his ass within minutes. “Fine, I wanted to leave anyway!” he shouted at the inanimate building. He staggered off the sidewalk into the street and was nearly hit by a Civic. The driver screamed at him, but when he caught a look at her he began making sexually suggestive comments while walking over to her door. When he got close enough, she rolled down her window and sprayed him in the face with mace.
The fishermen who had followed him outside saw their chance, grabbing him and taking him into a nearby alley, where they took turns rolling up their sleeves and slugging the helpless serpent in the face. When they felt they had made their point, they left him lying in a pool of his own blood.
- Kent Wicklander
Courtney Cox’s Moonshine Obsession
Magmo Moonshine is one of the wealthiest men in the world thanks to his revolutionary innovation in the field of intoxicants: Moonshine. He invented this after years of research (which in this case consisted of Magmo pouring gallons of moonshine down the throats of women he picked up on the street). He knew he had perfected the product when the women stopped struggling after the first few gallons.
Obviously this invention made him millions of dollars which he used to get plastic surgery to make himself the most handsome man in the world. Obviously, this came true, and maintaining his beauty became his constant obsession. Unfortunately, after he was diagnosed with cancer and began undergoing chemotherapy, he lost some of his hair. This greatly depressed him because he placed a great value on his appearance, so he went to the best wig maker in the industry – Don King.
King made him the wig you see before you here. This post is the first revelation that this is in fact not his real hair. I have already been threatened by Magmo’s lawyers, but I am prepared to face the consequences in order to bring you this truth. In fact, I am expecting a lawsuit. I am being paid substantially by Magmo’s ex-wife Courtney Cox to bring this lawsuit upon myself to distract his lawyers from their divorce proceedings. The fact that he lost his hair is the reason for the divorce, and the hope is that now that the public knows that this is in fact a wig, everyone will feel betrayed (as Cox did) and public opinion will shift away from Moonshine and towards Cox.
- Kent Wicklander
