Simon and Ferdinand the Fern

Simon always felt sorry for children with imaginary friends. He thought it was sad that they were so alone that they had to resort to talking with themselves. While Simon was never the most popular guy, he always had somebody to talk to. Sure, they were plants, but at least he could see them.

There were a few issues with this, of course; they were smaller than people and look nothing like them, they died easily, and so on – but the biggest problem, of course, was that the plants didn’t respond. Ever. So Simon dedicated his adult life to solving this problem.

Simon is no scientist, he knows nothing about genetic engineering, he has no money to finance anything of that nature, and he has no friends to help him. What he does have, however, is arguably more valuable than any of those things; the phone number of Tiger Woods.

Simon has called Tiger Woods every day for the past 5 years, asking for help. Tiger Woods, so far, has not been receptive, but last month, Simon came up with a plan. He hitchhiked to the next golf tournament so he could finally present his case face-to-face; and he wasn’t alone. He brought with him Ferdinand the Fern, his best friend since he was six years old. Simon wanted to make sure he was convincing, so be put a fake beard and sunglasses on the fern, so he would appear more human.

When he got to the golf tournament, he shoved his way through to the front of the crowd. When Tiger was close by, Simon lunged forward with Ferdinand, screaming about plants and imaginary friends. He tackled Tiger to the ground and kept screaming in his ear until security pulled him off and carried him away into custody.

- Kent Wicklander