Simon and Ferdinand the Fern
Simon always felt sorry for children with imaginary friends. He thought it was sad that they were so alone that they had to resort to talking with themselves. While Simon was never the most popular guy, he always had somebody to talk to. Sure, they were plants, but at least he could see them.
There were a few issues with this, of course; they were smaller than people and look nothing like them, they died easily, and so on – but the biggest problem, of course, was that the plants didn’t respond. Ever. So Simon dedicated his adult life to solving this problem.
Simon is no scientist, he knows nothing about genetic engineering, he has no money to finance anything of that nature, and he has no friends to help him. What he does have, however, is arguably more valuable than any of those things; the phone number of Tiger Woods.
Simon has called Tiger Woods every day for the past 5 years, asking for help. Tiger Woods, so far, has not been receptive, but last month, Simon came up with a plan. He hitchhiked to the next golf tournament so he could finally present his case face-to-face; and he wasn’t alone. He brought with him Ferdinand the Fern, his best friend since he was six years old. Simon wanted to make sure he was convincing, so be put a fake beard and sunglasses on the fern, so he would appear more human.
When he got to the golf tournament, he shoved his way through to the front of the crowd. When Tiger was close by, Simon lunged forward with Ferdinand, screaming about plants and imaginary friends. He tackled Tiger to the ground and kept screaming in his ear until security pulled him off and carried him away into custody.
- Kent Wicklander
Extreme Shuffleboarding Bread Monster
Obviously this man needs no introduction, but I’ll give him one anyway. Qargyse is a world-renowned shuffleboard player responsible for making the sport the most popular sport in the world. If you asked around ten years ago if shuffleboard qualified as “extreme”, most people would disagree, but today, it is the single most extreme sport in the world – after all, in what other sport do half of the athletes die in every game?
I know you know all of this, but what you probably DON’T know is that Qargyse is actually made of discarded half-eaten sandwich bread found in garbage bags. The only reason he is alive is because a drunken scientist was attempting to redeem himself after falsely predicting the end of the world on several different occasions due to persistent drunkenness.
You don’t hear much about drunk scientists, but as it turns out they have some pretty strange ideas. Qargyse is the first in what he hopes will be his army of garbage. His plan was to infiltrate every facet of society with his garbage creatures – film, music, sports, politics, art, witchcraft, dominos, tree-climbing, grease-eating, etc.
That last one probably stood out a bit – grease eating – and that’s because it’s a new competition that the drunken scientist is working on. Qargyse is the first prototype, being able to “eat” 50 pounds of grease in a single sitting. A strange goal for a scientist to be sure, but who are you to deny him his dream?
- Kent Wicklander
