Byron “Van-Man” Beetlefarm, the Amateur Police Officer
There aren’t a lot of birds that are qualified to be police officers, and this bird is no different. Byron Beetlefarm does consider himself a police officer because he acquired a toy police badge at a grocery store. From keenly observing police officers on the street he has developed what he considers a foolproof method of detecting criminals, certain signs that he sees on civilians that are dead giveaways.
These are the signs or traits that he determines are likely present on criminals:
1. Wearing dirty shoes
2. Wearing round sunglasses
3. Having nicely cropped goatees
4. Being Bruce Willis
5. Using multiple sets of dentures simultaneously
6. Having British accents
7. Wearing elaborate Shrek costumes
8. Having upside-down noses
9. Being surrounded by a cloud of smoke and lightning
10. Holding a bloody knife while standing next to a dead body
When he detects someone exemplifying one or more of these traits, Byron takes action. He jumps on their back and uses silly putty to restrain them. Then he throws them in his van where he locks the doors and yells at them from outside (after the first few escapes, Byron decided to keep his distance from his suspects whenever possible). This has earned Byron the nickname of the “Van-man”, because to bystanders it appears that he is having an argument with a van.
In any event, usually real police intervene, either noticing Byron attacking a civilian, or talking to a van, and detain Byron. He is usually discharged after a week or so in jail, but as a concerned citizen, he cannot resist going right back to his amateur police work.
- Kent Wicklander
