The Space Matador
Every once in a while you hear about an asteroid just barely missing Earth, but you would be surprised to know how often this happens and you don’t hear about it. There are actually a great number of asteroids out there, and statistically speaking, odds are the Earth would be struck by one every few years. You can look at the pot-marked moon for proof of this. Why doesn’t this happen on Earth?
It’s common knowledge that when a person holds a red sheet in front of a bull, the bull will charge the cape. A skilled matador will be able to use this to his advantage, maneuvering the sheet in such a way as to guide the bull away from himself. It’s simple logic, then, to apply this concept to asteroids.
Enter Thurgent Bulo, the world’s greatest Matador.
Thurgent typically operates out of the International Space Station. When an asteroid is detected, he dons his space suit and wanders outside the station with his trusty red cape. He waves the cape out to his side to attract the asteroid. Once the asteroid sees the cape, it will charge. Being a skilled Matador, when the asteroid approaches, Thurgent is able to quickly flank the asteroid and stab it with his sword. At this point, typically the asteroid will scream and bleed, while the space-stadium erupts in applause.
- Kent Wicklander
Maurice the Ballet Dancer
This is a photograph of the famous ballet dancer Maurice LeGalt, training on a ballet bar. Typically bars like this are used for leg stretches and the like, but Maurice has never been one to abide by conventional rules. Here we see Maurice doing a variation of a push up (note that his body does not leave the floor though, so it’s really more of a squat).
The surrounding humans are his posse, a group of people that ride with him from location to location on his solar powered dance-bus (a bus with a disco ball inside). They are the first people to be in the audience when he has a performance, with the hope that their presence creates an atmosphere of intense anticipation so as to attract more attendees.
Maurice spends 4-5 minutes per week training for his performances. Some have criticized this exercise regimen as hampering his physique, but even the most strident critics are silenced when they see him perform.
His performances typically take place outside in parks from 9am to noon on Tuesdays, which everyone knows are the optimal ballet performance hours. Aside from his posse, he typically attracts from 3 to 5 audience members. He has been trying to branch out into other dances (he has been focusing on kung-fu breakdancing, as the red shirted gentleman is performing in the photo) to improve the attendance rate, but one of the primary problems is the fact that after every performance, his posse surrounds the non-posse members of the audience and beats them mercilessly with crowbars.
- Kent Wicklander
The Rosa Parks of Steroids
Harvoos takes steroids, and he’s not ashamed of it. Sure, it’s not “in” at the moment, and people who take them are getting fired left and right, but it’s every American’s right to take illegal drugs. As a matter of fact, Harvoos has sold steroids to 7 year olds, and he has no regrets. He’s a rebel, he stands up to “the man”; he’s essentially the Rosa Parks of Steroids.
As of right now, Harvoos isn’t exactly an athlete, but he’s looking at different options. He figures since he’s in such great shape, why not utilize that gift to become a sports superstar. He’s sent out his resume to both Major League Baseball and the NBA, so he assumes he’ll get responses from one or the other. The truthfulness of this is indisputable, really, because if you know anything about running a business you know that there are a few things that when you see them on a resume, you know that you’re sitting on a gold mine. Harvoos has several of these items – a reference from his sister, and a job history consisting of both working at a carnival AND delivering newspapers to his next door neighbor.
When he was told that steroids were illegal, he decided to up the ante and start using cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, and excess mustard on his hot dogs. He doesn’t even know what these drugs do, but he was told to not do them, so he’s taking on the system by using them. He’s not doing this for himself, he’s making a statement. It’s about human rights. If the system is broken, somebody needs to have the courage to stand up and be the one on the front lines. Somebody has to be willing to sacrifice for the cause. Harvoos is this man.
- Kent Wicklander
