Urnolk’s Relationship with the Paparazzi
Urnolk is a mythical serpent creature that has lived for many thousands of years in the deepest darkest reaches of the ocean. This is principally because he is very shy and isn’t interested in alerting paparazzi about his presence. He already had to wear sunglasses when he went out to the grocery store so as to not be noticed, and the prospect of being hounded by photographers looking to get an embarrassing shot of him drunkenly throwing a TV out the window was not on his “to do” list.
He honestly had no real need to be known anyway, because he made plenty of money off of residuals from the infamous Loch Ness Monster photo. Nevertheless, his agent kept calling him about great new job opportunities, some of which were truly “once-in-a-lifetime” jobs, and it’s been always a hard decision for Urnolk. It was getting more and more difficult to stay committed to his life out of the limelight when he was getting offers to do cameo appearances on “How I Met Your Mother”, or tour with the B-52’s.
Urnolk’s wife had been adamantly against him exiting the shadows and becoming a public figure because she was extremely fat and didn’t want anybody to make fun of her, but their daughter had been excited about the potential stardom and riches. His daughter, Fernburns, decided one evening to sneak out and talk to the Wall Street Journal about Urnolk and the potential exposure for their family. Ultimately this act forced him out into the limelight, and he became one of the hottest stars in the world overnight.
He was immediately contacted by the producers of “Grey’s Anatomy” for a recurring role as a French neurosurgeon and the simultaneous romantic interest of all of the female characters on the program. As this was all being arranged, he was a guest on the Tonight Show and Jay Leno offered to make Urnolk the godfather of his children. As of this writing, Urnolk is slated to star in a buddy cop movie with Eddie Murphy to be released in early 2010. We will attempt to keep you all updated about Urnolk’s progress.
- Kent Wicklander
The Octopus-Wrangling Secretary of Defense
George Beaufort Langford was simply in the right place at the right time. During his presidential campaign, Jimmy Carter and his brother Billy were waiting for a bus when they noticed George. Billy dared Jimmy to make him the Secretary of Defense if he was elected, and as we all know, Jimmy Carter never turns down a dare.
Now, if I told you George was a good Secretary of Defense, I would be lying to you, but I’ll have you know he tried his very best. It is a shame that all those people had to have their toes removed, but you don’t mess around when there’s an epidemic of poisontoe. And it was also unfortunate that the entire cabinet had to have face transplants, but some believe that poisonface is even more dangerous than poisontoe. Now of course, we know that these “epidemics” don’t exist and were merely figments of George’s active imagination, but George acted in the nation’s best interest within the confines of his imaginary world.
He continued his life in the private sector, dedicating most of his time to working with octopi. His fascination with the octopus stemmed from the fact that he was born with 8 fingers on each hand, all of which were covered in suction cups. Doctors were never able to pin down exactly what was wrong with him, but whatever it was gave him a telepathic link with all nearby cephalopods. Marine biologists utilized George’s ability to tell jokes to octopi, to tell them to shut up when they were being annoying, and to play scrabble with them by proxy. The project ran out of money after three years of operation, but it was during this phase of his life that George met his wife, a scientist named Jane Goodall. After the project ended, the two of them decided to go live with chimpanzees for a while.
- Kent Wicklander
