I will be your president… in the year 2044
With the excitement surrounding our new President, Barrack Obama, I have been inspired to run for public office myself. With his inauguration today, I feel there is no better time to announce my own candidacy for the office of President of the United States. In 2044.
With the last presidential campaign lasting some 2 years, I’m guessing this number will likely only grow. Perhaps the next election will feature a 3 year campaign, of even 4 years. And the one after that, perhaps 8. So, I have decided to go ahead and announce my campaign for president in the year 2044. Sure, it’s 35 years early, but who knows how long the campaign will last by then? Just being careful.
Anyway, since the office I am running for is 35 years off, I am making a few assumptions about the future so my positions are relevant to the office I am seeking. Hopefully I will be able to use this position as a stepping stone to the office of President of the World.
I had announced my candidacy on a forum, the Twisted Metal Alliance, and had a Q&A session on some of my positions. Below are a few selected questions and answers that I hope will help you better understand my vision for the future. If you have other pressing questions, feel free to comment and I will attempt to answer to the best of my abilities.
Xizor
I will only vote for you if you support gay cyborg marriage and free intergalactic health care.
I am all for robot and cyborg civil rights, as noted in my campaign imagery, but unfortunately gay marriage is a crime against nature (and the great Zoltar) and I cannot endorse it. I do however, endorse cyborg-robot marriage, as well as cyborg-human and robot-human marriage. As long as none of said combinations involve entities of the same gender.
Free intergalactic health care is something that myself and my advisors have been looking at very closely in recent months. The problem is that there are many, many people in our galaxy, and to cover them all would be very expensive. So, unfortunately, the current incarnation of my plan excludes clones and black people.
Hellbent
What is your stance on immigration?
Many American immigrants have gone on to become American icons, distinguished people that have served their nation with honor. Unfortunately, these days, most immigrants are dirty Neptunians. These freeloading, devil-worshiping, Nazi, unicorn-f***ers have no place in our great nation, and when I become president, I will declare all Neptunians as enemies of the state, and will order all of them to be shot on sight, American citizen or not.
YEAH F*** NEPTUNE. ALL THEY DO IS EAT GORBLOT AND LISTEN TO NEPTUNIAN HIP HOP! DOING SPACE COCAINE AND ROBBING SPACE LIQUOR STORES!
It’s about time we did something about those jackoffs.
What is your plan to eliminate the Space Plague?
Well, I’m no scientist, but I have devised a plan that I think will do the trick. Essentially, the plan is to send an expedition of 30’s era mobsters to the center of space-plague’s space-heart in order to shoot it with their tommyguns. I haven’t worked out all the details just yet, and I intend to consult with my advisors, but that’s the current plan.
What is you view on the legalization of Moon Drugs?
I think that moon drugs are the future of science and medicine, and that is part of the reason I support tax breaks for moon citizens. The only issue I have is the whole “death after a single use” thing, but I think with some well funded large-scale human experimentation, we can iron out the problems in a decade or so. Until then, I absolutely support the use of moon drugs as long as the user is over the age of 12 days.
What is your plan for the homeless taking over the Asteroid Belt? I can’t go to Mars anymore with out some space druggie hitting me up for 5 credits.
Also what are your plans for the Economy?
Essentially, I will give a 30 day grace period for all poor people to become rich – after which it will become illegal to have an income of less than $1,000,000 per year. Unfortunately, there will be those that fail to accomplish this within those initial 30 days, and this is a perfect example of why the secretary of genocide is such a critical post. It will be perhaps the single most important and frequently called upon cabinet post of my administration.
The genocide will probably take several months, but after that point there will be no more poor people on Earth, which obviously will end the economic woes of the poor. This should set our economy on the right track; from that point forward, anyone whose income drops below the 1 million per year mark for two consecutive years will be punished by execution. In my opinion, all the poor really need is proper motivation to become rich, and I believe this is the perfect way to end the problem of the hobos in the asteroid belt as well as all economic problems in general.
Psycho Se7en
Can I endorse my army of Locusts and bring Humanity to its knees and marry the Locusts queen? I want to bring a lifelong war to the human race. Please allow me to, Governor Elect.
Bringing humanity to its knees has been one of my campaign’s goals from day one. It’s very important to ensure suffering and persistent warfare, and I welcome your joining in the cause. Who knows, I might just appoint you secretary of genocide in my administration.
Magnum
It is unclear if he is for, or against more Hyperspace tariffs that have bogged down the intergalactic economy, or if he will make sure that the galactic time machines will have proper emission levels.
Hyperspace tariffs are a tricky issue. We want to encourage trade with our allies, but the planet Cubazakhstan is still very much a threat, and we don’t want to be responsible for bolstering their economy in any way. When two great powers (Cuba and Kazakhstan) merge to create their own planet with the sole intent of destroying America, we must be very careful to ensure our safety, even if it means mild hyperspace tariffs.
What about the legalization of prostitution? Your stand on that? I hear that Murcurian women are HOT!!! So are Vesuvians. They supposively go both ways….
Also the legalization of marijuana? Would you be willing to roll a spliff in peace negotiations? I also heard that Io and Ganyamine crack is pretty crazy. I’d like to be able to get “groovy” again.
As far as prostitution goes, I am all for it just so long as I get first dibs. Same goes for weed – I get dibs on the good s***.
Would you pass legislation that’d allow people to be armed with portable missile launchers, and heavy caliber weapons?
Would it also be a priority to make sure every man, woman, and child be armed so the human race can be thinned out?
Would you ban the new miniature “Planet Buster” that can fit in your pocket on the go? Easy to use and lightweight, it has the power to split planets, but is small enough to give you a close shave. This new technology will make it very hard to stop system wide terror.
Can you also just get up and randomly smack people? I would really like to have that power.
I think it is critical for every man, woman, and child to be equipped at all times with a weapon with enough deadly force to shatter a human skull in an instant. The goal is not so much to address the overpopulation issue (this has been largely addressed by sending people with naturally blonde hair to the ice planet of Zebelon), as it is to empower people with confidence, knowing they can end the lives of all people around them at any time.
As a matter of fact, in my time in the Galactic Council, I sponsored a program that would implant all citizens at birth with such a weapon. It would be invisible and completely silent, so that all citizens would have the ability to kill all other citizens without fear of being discovered. While the bill did not pass, portions of it were implemented into the program we now all know and love as the “Kill Everyone all the Time” Policy (this speaks to your “smacking people” question, as it is actually already legal to assault people on the street without repercussions).
As far as the “planet buster” goes, I support giving the power to me and me alone, so that I can use it to threaten people for the rest of my life.
X-Man
Whatever. You’ll lose enough votes to Nader and give Cthulhu the winning edge. And when the Great Old Ones hit that magic number 60 in the senate, your party won’t be able to pass any legislation. By which I mean they’ll be eaten.
Regarding Nader, this is his thirteenth consecutive bid for the presidency, and he has been getting fewer and fewer votes each cycle. Early polling shows Nader somewhere between 1 and 2 votes. Cthulhu is a patriot, and has served his country, along with the rest of the Great Old Ones with honor, but his ideas on civil rights are downright barbaric. I cannot and will not allow such cannibalistic ways to enter our white house.
PureNRG
What do you plan to do about interplanetary gang warfare?
My plan for interplanetary gang warfare is basically to fund the Crips both financially and with military weapons and troops. We all know that they are the most adept gang with regards to space combat, and I figure one gang is better than a lot of them. This government-gang association will also allow us to delegate to them the governance of slums and ghetto areas.
Do you have a plan to speed up Death Row? the prisons have been overcrowded for decades..
I do have a plan to speed up death row. It’s actually very simple, and when I tell you what it is you will probably feel foolish for not having thought of it sooner. Basically, my plan it to axe the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing, eliminate trials, and send everyone accused of wrongdoing to death row. Another unnecessarily time-consuming issue is the whole “individual lethal injection” method of carrying out the executions. I propose a large conveyor belt that leads into a giant meat grinder. Not only will this expedite the process, it will also allow for a new industry of human-meat.
Do you plan to reinstate Pluto as a planet again or are the Plutonians doomed to segregation?
the Plutonians are fortunately much cleaner and smarter than the filthy Neptunians, so I see no reason that they should be deemed second-class citizens. The Neptunians however, will be punished for being born on Neptune by being forced to slave away in the Diamond Mines of Zebelon.
- Kent Wicklander
Morbus Meets Oprah
Morbus Flenderson works as a professional flag-raiser at several fast-food restraints that happen to have flagpoles outside the buildings. He walks from place to place each day, raising flags up the poles at each location. It’s not a particularly fulfilling job in general, but one day, he met someone who would change his life. Her name was Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah had just ordered 16 Big Macs at the local McDonalds and was exiting the drive-thru when she saw Morbus out of the corner of her eye. She pulled over and asked him his name. She was immediately fascinated with Morbus, and decided to feature him on her program in a 30 minute interview segment. He was introduced by his middle name, Dr. Phil.
The interview went well for the first 20 minutes, But Oprah made a critical mistake after that point. She brought out a 32 gallon jug of dead spiders and asked Morbus to eat them. This was a regular segment in her show at this point, but she was unaware that Morbus had quite a history with spiders. When his mother gave birth to him, she put him up for adoption. He was adopted by an entomologist who put him in a small glass enclosure with around 400 spiders. He lived there for the first 30 years of his life, never being granted permission to leave until he inexplicably received a full scholarship to Harvard. Needless to say, what was normally a routine segment turned into a disaster as Morbus began screaming and strangling Oprah.
Of course, while Oprah was hospitalized after the show, when she saw the ratings, she decided to make “Dr. Phil” a regular on her show.
- Kent Wicklander
