Bold Yamato CEO’s Wall Street Solution
The current financial crisis is no secret to anyone. The president is consulting with congress, trying to come up with a plan as quick as possible, while the presidential candidates debate the merits of different solutions. The question, then, is who really knows what they’re talking about? Who’s the real expert? Who should we look to for honest answers?
The answer is right here:
This is Wilburt Flishigan, the most powerful man on Wall Street. At some point over the last few weeks, you can be certain that everyone in congress has, at one point or another, consulted with Wilburt. The question then becomes why have you not heard of this man? Wilburt is the CEO of “Bold Yamato”, a top secret investment firm that invests money in banks, carnivals, and jumping jacks. It is critical that Bold Yamato stay out of the press because its operations are sometimes unsavory. A typical negotiation might involve taking the person negotiating with BY and transporting them into the desert where they will be left alone and without water for several days to think about the proposition. The bottom line, however, is that Wilburt is the smartest, most informed man in the business, and everybody knows that he’s the man of the hour.
Now I’m sure you are wanting to know exactly what Wilburt suggests to solve the crisis. Well, he has laid out a five point plan to solve the crisis.
1. Invest 700 billion dollars in Bold Yamato
2. Suck it up and ask out that woman who has been smiling at you from the bar
3. Glue springs onto the base of your tennis shoes and jump off a skyscraper
4. Reverse a powerbomb into a hurricanrana
5. Dude, there is a crack in your glasses, you should get that fixed
You heard it here first. You should expect to hear about this plan on CNN in the next few days.
- Kent Wicklander
Zarl
- ‘Shar Kassai
Dustin’s Space Pod
This young gentleman’s name is Dustin. Dustin was born on July 22nd, 1993. He is a lover of lions, but even more than lions, he loves space. He built this space pod as an experiment. For the last 30 years or so, Dustin has been travelling from Earth to Jupiter. When he arrives there, he plans to start a chain of seafood restaurants – a new beginning. One thing Dustin didn’t consider before his journey was temperature. Dustin is now completely frozen and incapable of manning the controls of his pod.
The last thing Dustin did before being ambushed by the ice was to set the song “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake on infinite repeat. The combination of icy restraint and prolonged exposure to Whitesnake has made Dustin believe that he is the solo from “Here I Go Again”, that he is no longer a physical entity but a collection of sound waves produced by the notes of the song’s guitar solo. Needless to say, he’s gone insane. But this new reality has made Dustin reconsider his future on Jupiter. He no longer wants to pursue the restaurant business.
Instead, he’d like to light fires, and try to teach the fire how to speak, how to read, and most importantly, how to feel. Eventually, he’d like the fire to wear clothes, drink, eat, and work. He wants to give fire the same opportunity as any human being might have.
- ‘Shar Kassai
