New Cloning Project Revealed
This is all still classified research, so keep a lid on this info, but I feel obligated to spill the beans to my loyal readers on this subject because I fear it is going to be a disaster. I have been working as an intern at a government laboratory, and recently I heard that a few scientists rented Jurassic Park and were fascinated by it. I use the term “scientist” loosely because most of the “scientists” working on this project are unemployed mailmen and/or sex criminals. Apparently a project has been undertaken where DNA is extracted from excrement and scientists attempt to grow that DNA into a conscious being. I don’t know all the details, but I do know that so far, there have been a few mistakes.
What these scientists fail to understand is that they have actually been cloning turd DNA. Yes, turds themselves do indeed have DNA. The first attempt was done by extracting the DNA from what was thought to be human excrement, and that DNA was fused with a chicken embryo. The chicken then went on to lay an egg, and when it hatched, this was what came out of the egg.
Obviously, this is a turd. A turd that is alive. You’d think that after this, the project would be abandoned, but unfortunately this is not the case. In fact, the research has accelerated and the budget has doubled. 3 more similar results have been achieved, but no actual progress has been made. What worries me is that the sentient turds have grouped together to form something of a turd monster. If more of this occurs, I fear a gigantic turd monster that may well terrorize some major U.S. cities. Hopefully, this post will build up enough outrage to encourage the halting of this project.
- Kent Wicklander
From Rags to Riches: The Strom Thurmond Story
This is a truly inspirational story of a man who started with nothing, but through hard work and perseverance had tremendous success. Sid Curlington-Smith was a professional weightlifter impersonator. He went to children’s birthday parties and told the children that he was a professional weightlifter. He threw punches in the air and made intimidating facial expressions. When pressed on his weightlifting experience, he broke down and began to cry. This was unfortunate because it happened very frequently, and when it happened the parents usually refused to pay him because he ruined the party.
Since this wasn’t usually a particularly good way of making a living, Sid didn’t have enough money to own a home, rent an apartment, or buy food. In fact, he lived under a bridge, even though he is very extroverted and likes to talk to strangers. Unfortunately, not only did most strangers NOT want to talk to him, they were horrified when they saw him, and threw their garbage at him. That didn’t work out half bad though, since that’s the only food he ever got.
One day an obese surgeon / scientist / politician came across Sid and saw potential. He saw through the wrinkles, beak, and general ugliness to the heart deep within. A name change, several hundred plastic surgeries, and several million dollars worth of political advertising later, we were given Strom Thurmond.
- Kent Wicklander
