Krieger the Drunken Psycho
I have to admit, it is difficult working side-by-side with a known cannibal. He comes to work every day either completely plastered or with an extreme hangover, smelling of rancid meat and urine, and usually vomits all over his keyboard and monitor when he enters the office. He gets to work without cleaning off the vomit. This really wouldn’t be such a problem if he wasn’t completely insane, and his drunkenness really brings this out.
He has shot and killed 5 people in the year since I began working here, under the assumption that they were trying to steal his brain. Every morning when I enter the office he throws flaming napkins and paper airplanes at me, screams, and fires his pistol off all over the office. So far I have been able to take cover behind my desk, but I am afraid it will eventually break apart and I will be exposed to bullets. I still don’t know how he gets the gun in the office.
I probably shouldn’t have said earlier that he gets to “work”, because he is usually keeps a keg below his desk that is constantly supplying him with booze intravenously, keeping him just drunk enough to be completely unable to function outside of the occasional scream or murder.
Krieger is 117 years old, is completely bald and weighs well over 300 pounds. His weight is thanks in part to the fact that he has no bones in the lower half of his body. He usually wheels around his office chair that he claims to be “the most comfortable” in the office – though many speculate that this is mostly due to his lack of bones. When work is over, he simply slides his chair over to the elevator and screams at passersby to punch the elevator button because he is too lazy to lift his own arm, unless it is to shoot someone.
He is also Canadian.
- Kent Wicklander
Intergalactic Bowling
This is a story that surely all readers would know without hearing it from me, but I thought it was my duty to post it so that future generations can learn the tale. Without further ado, allow me to present the story of Yertli.
In late June 2008, three alien spacecrafts landed on Earth – one in Moscow, one in New York City, and another in Sydney. After landing, they were surrounded by huge crowds and the incident was all over newspapers, television, radio, and the internet. Everything seemed to stop as the world waited to make contact.
After that week, a single extra terrestrial exited the ship in New York to an ocean of gasps. The extra terrestrial was a Caucasian gentleman with short, black hair, sunglasses, and a tuxedo. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand, and a shovel in the other. There were 20 seconds of silence that seemed like 20 years of silence. Finally, he spoke: “Let’s Bowl…”
Meanwhile, Yertli was practicing at a sleazy bowling alley in the NYC projects. He wasn’t rich, and he wasn’t well-known, but his special golden rope arms theoretically gave him a significant advantage when bowling. When he saw those now famous words on the bowling alley TV, he finally knew his destiny. It was to be the first ever intergalactic bowl-off, and he wouldn’t miss it for the world.
When Yertli came forth to volunteer his services, he was met with cynicism and even derision. He offered to prove himself in a bowl-off with some of the world’s best in order to determine who would go one-on-one with the alien. When the day came, and he was at the alley with his multinational colleagues, he used his extendable arm to grab a knife and kill each and every one of his competitors. This wasn’t the traditional way of proving one’s self, but after the incident there was no other choice but to allow him to represent the planet. The alien was growing impatient, as evidenced by the fact that he had started smashing nearby onlookers in the face with his shovel. Yertli was chosen out of sheer necessity.
The day of the intergalactic bowl-off was July 15th, and it was televised live worldwide. Everyone was awake and glued to their TV screens. Yertli was up first, and he hit two pins. The world let out a collective groan; this did not bode well for civilization. Yertli on the other hand, was pleased with himself, considering that this was only the second time he had ever bowled. The alien was up next, and he threw a gutter ball. The world then knew that they were about to witness the worst bowling match of all time.
And that they did. No strikes or spares, just one or two pins at a time if they were lucky enough to avoid the gutter. In the end, Yertli came out on top, and the alien businessman fell to his knees and dissolved into a pile of blue powder. The ships lifted off and flew away, presumably into space, and haven’t been seen since.
- Kent Wicklander
