Quinn Quinine
Quinn Quinine is 116 years old, and is the father of Carlyle ( http://www.devastationstudios.com/blog/2008/05/30/carlyle-and-the-train/ ). He recently secured a high-profile recording contract for him and Carlyle’s new rap album. They have already written several songs, including “The Oak Tree That Cries at Night,” “The Inside-out Dinosaur-face,” and “Featherweight Tampon Eyeballs.” Neither of them has any musical experience, but Quinn has always wanted to be a famous musician with his son (who doesn’t know what music is), and has decided to make a final push as his time on this earth is coming to an end.
Unlike his son, Quinn is not attached to an egg buried in the earth – instead, he was cut at the “stem” so to speak when he was 5 years old by a confused gardener. Eventually, his torso wound healed, and he is now simply an upper torso that moves about by crawling around with his arms.
Quinn has already lived quite a fulfilling life. He fought in World War 2, Korea, Vietnam, and the first Gulf War. At his insistence, in each war he wielded only comically large scissors. Nevertheless, he survived all these wars even though he was in active combat in all four (if you can call rolling around on the ground, pulling each other’s hair “active combat”). In his post-military life, he traveled the country giving inspirational speeches to students about military life and his experiences in it. He was also a part-time stripper. After he retired, he decided to dedicate his time volunteering at a zoo as a gorilla; when the actual gorillas were asleep, he would dress up in a gorilla costume and entertain visitors.
Quinn has decided to dedicate the rest of his time to learning how to sing and play the banjo, preparing for his worldwide tour with his son (who will play the harp). The banjo playing will be problematic due to the distance his arms are from another, and the singing aspect will be even more difficult for Quinn because he can only make gargling noises these days. His son Carlyle is unable to move at all, so he will have difficulties as well. We will find out soon enough how this is to work out, as their first gig is in exactly one week.
- Kent Wicklander
The Cursed Gargoyle
I don’t think I’ve ever seen an obese gargoyle, but there’s a first time for everything. This particular bird is, in fact, a gargoyle. He was sculpted by a brilliant artist around 500 years ago. This particular artist, Canned Ham (in fact, today’s canned ham, the food, is named after this artist), had been exiled by the King of America, Ultimate Washington because Ham had been proclaimed by Pope John Willickers to be cursed by “The Zombie”.
“The Zombie” was a… well, a zombie. The King of Zombies to be exact. Back 500 years ago, Canada was inhabited entirely by zombies, and was ruled by “The Zombie”. Ultimate Washington was trying to strike up a relationship with The Zombie, and after he cursed Ham, Washington decided to exile him rather than risk creating a diplomatic problem.
Ham continued to work on his own time, in secret, down in Mexico. He sculpted a gargoyle, but his curse led to all of his future creations to be, upon completion, alive. So, naturally, this gargoyle immediately sprang to life after Ham completed the sculpture. This gargoyle bit Ham’s head off and drank his brains out from the base of his severed head. He went on, stalking through the night, seeking out and murdering people throughout the 16th and 17th centuries before being brought to the attention of The Zombie (if you know your zombies, you will know that zombies are immortal), who cast a curse upon it, turning it into an actual non-living stone gargoyle.
However, yesterday, the Zombie was surfing off the coast of California where he was devoured b y a great white shark, rendering the curses invalid. All except the first one which made the sculptures alive because that wasn’t a curse at all – It just gave Ham the confidence he needed to let out the magic he had all along. The gargoyle sprung back to life, and is on the loose once again. It is my duty to inform all of my readers about this menace so you know to avoid giant living gargoyles.
- Kent Wicklander
