Carlyle and the Train
Carlyle is a rare subterraneous bird, living several miles beneath the earth’s surface. He is one of a small colony of these birds that first appeared several centuries ago. Scientists speculate that their origins can be traced to a demented horse defecating on some radioactive fleas. I’m not sure how that exactly translates into the bird we see today in this photo, and I’m not so sure that the scientists do either, considering that those scientists that hold this belief live in a dungeon, eat dirt, and strangle each other all day long.
In any event, these birds hatch from eggs. No one knows for sure where the eggs come from, but the eggs are buried beneath the earth, and they hatch after incubating for 50 years, giving birth to living sausages. These sausages age and grow into the bird you see here; all the while their body stays in the remains of the egg. They continue to grow, their torso stretching until their heads and arms reach the surface, so they can lie around in the sun and drool all over the place. They never move from the position they take upon surfacing, and other birds make nests in the surfaced bird’s mouth.
Carlyle is a relatively young bird, having only surfaced a few weeks ago. No nests have been made in his mouth yet, nor has he moved an inch since surfacing. Carlyle is in a fairly unfortunate situation, seeing as he surfaced in the middle of a train track. No incidents have occurred as of yet, but a train will one day inevitably come barreling down those tracks and plow straight into Carlyle’s face. This will be quite a problem, because these subterraneous birds almost never move, even in these sorts of dire situations.
A group of animal rights activists have gathered around Carlyle holding signs to protest the train, and have brought up numerous requests to have the train track abandoned in favor of Carlyle’s life, but they have yet to see any positive results. We here at the PNDZ will keep you up to date regarding any developments in this situation.
- Kent Wicklander
Darby the Space-Man
Darby McLannahan is one of Ireland’s most cherished heroes. He was born after a drunken 3-way between Peter O’Toole and a couple of whores. No one knows who the mother was – Darby was born in an alley, and the birth was witnessed by only a few people, all of whom are now dead due to mysterious chainsaw-related incidents.
Darby grew up to be Ireland’s first Ambassador to Mars. He spent a number of years there getting to know the local townspeople, and they immediately got along swimmingly. He traveled back and forth between Ireland and Mars a number of times, spending about a month in each locale and then moving back. At one point however, his space-machine malfunctioned and he was stranded on Mars. Fortunately for him, the local Martians had gotten so friendly with him that they adopted him into their society as one of their own.
He married a local Martian in a space-ceremony in a space-church back in 1983 and has been living there in his space-house with his space-family ever since. In 1995 Ireland sent a ship to retrieve him and take him back to Ireland, but he decided he wanted to stay. This offended the government of Ireland, who immediately insisted that he returned. Their next attempt involved sending a rocket full of booze to Mars as a token of good will. While Darby was quick to consume the booze, he would not waver in his position. It was then that Ireland declared war on Mars… and we all know what happened next.
- Kent Wicklander
