George Clooney’s Fish Children
George Clooney was hatched in 1793 from an ostrich egg in American Samoa. He was only the second man in American history to marry a goldfish. The goldfish, Petunia, was a Chinese college professor in the field of astrophysics (quite ahead of its time). Petunia met Clooney in one of her classes – Clooney was a fairly intelligent student, but he required special accommodations due to his 20 ft tall height. When he spoke to Petunia about his situation, it was love at first sight.
Clooney went on to be a moderately successful actor, nabbing parts in such films and TV shows as Predator: The Concert, Golden Girls, and Return of the Killer Tomatoes! In the last few years, he has not appeared on-screen and has instead spent all his time in his bathroom sitting on the toilet and eating subway sandwiches.
The real story here isn’t so much Clooney or Petunia, but rather the horrible fish-children that they produced. Petunia laid 150 eggs, all of which spawned horrendous mutations that craved human flesh. They spread all across the world, achieving significant success in both the public and private sectors, but never quite reaching the level of Flipper, the famous dolphin.
Four of his children still live today. Above is a photo of those infamous four children back in those days. From left, Bethany, Horace, Joan, and Franklin. Bethany is a teacher of inner-city children, Horace is a professional bodyguard in Iraq, Joan is a serial killer on the loose, and Franklin is now the Lieutenant Governor of Louisiana.
- Kent Wicklander
HOW WILL GEORGE CLOONY GET HIS DEAD CHILDREN THROUGH FISH CHILD GHOST COLLEGE?! THE KIDS NEVER HAD A FAIR CHANCE! EVERYONE SHOULD DONATE MONEY TO THIS MAN!
That is an excellent question my good sir, but at the same time, you are a fool. The ghost fish children had all the opportunities in the world, but they just weren’t up to snuff. Clooney was a harsh father, and if his children failed to produce results as ghosts after 20 days, he would suck them into the ghostbusters ghost-catching box thing.
Your continued research will truely help generations beyond ours understand and respect George Cloonys methods of parenthood.
Yes, yes, this is indeed true. I will endeavor to continue to bring you the latest and greatest in Clooney coverage.
It’s also worth noting that Clooney used jackhammers on the faces of his children to “mold” them in to more aesthetically pleasing faces. That is, of course, aesthetically pleasing to him, George Clooney.
I want to touch them. Sexually.
The dead ones?
Does it have to be only the dead ones? I am a very rich man.
Make me an offer.
5 shoelaces, some legos, a pebble shaped like Barry Mannilo, and an empty can of Tab.
How many legos?
2
That will buy you 30 dead children for 30 minutes. I’m going to need AT LEAST 30 more legos for a shot at the live ones.
This is fine. I will start my asparagus diet right away. Thank you kind sir.
Good doing business with you Mr. Addler. I hope we can do business again in the future.
P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, I am obligated do inform you that the dead children have a plethora of diseases, both human-diseases and fish-diseases, as well as some brand new hybrid diseases. Also maggots.
P.P.S. The transaction has been completed, and no refunds are available.
This is excellent i need to test my ring of immortality. Thank you Kent you are truely a saint among men.
I cannot wait to have sex with those dead bodies.
Outstanding, everybody us happy. You will find the bodies buried 30 feet underground below your house, next to the bodies of the 1997 Dallas Cowboys. You are on your own finding the children among them.
Do not worry i am a practitioner of the dark arts. Finding them is kind of like finding a dime with a metal detector. Except the metal detector is my penis.
Thank you for the swift and convinent delivery.
When you have completed your activities, two large crates will arrive at your house, and you will be expected to fill them with the bodies and ship the crates to Mark Cuban and Dan Akroyd. It’s kind of like a pyramid scheme, but with defiled deceased children.
After which time we can negotiate on the price of the live children.
The whole process was beautiful. You should have seen the look on their dead faces when i peed on them and raped them in the mouth.
But i am not giving the bodies back. I’ve decided to keep them and continue defiling them untill they are no more. I dont care how many death threats Mark Cuban sends me. I challanged him to a cage match and he wimped out.
My house is surounded by robots and zombies. If you want your corpses you'’ll have to pry them off my cold dead penis.
Well, this is an unfortunate development. At this rate, I doubt we will be able to reach an agreement on the live fish children. I hope you know what you’re losing.
That said, there are legal ramifications for hoarding dead bodies. Surely you are aware that dead bodies are meant to be spread around, so everybody has the opportunity to have their fun. You are very selfish.
I see from your reply that you haven’t spoken to Dan Akroyd - this, I believe, is a mistake. He is a very impressive fighter, his UFC record is near flawless. He wields chicken wing nunchucks that are full of knives and poison - trust me, you don’t want to mess with him.
Bring it on ding dong. I am the TEXAS HAMMER! I’ve ran over children on national television and gotten away with it. I topple cities. I devour souls. No one can defeat my litigation skills.
I’m open for a cage match against Akroid. If you can get him to use his fucking cellphone and quit text messaging me like a bitch.
Untill then. I have dead fish people bodies to pee on then have sex with. Good day sir.
Hey, I don’t control Akroyd OR Cuban. I just run the organization that distributes the bodies, and Akroyd and Cuban have already paid. You will have to watch your back.
I haven’t even mentioned their father, George Clooney, who, while is usually busy doing coke and smashing wine bottles on his own face, does tend to be overprotective. Him and his evil Chinese bodyguard, Kwang. Kwang chops trees down with his hands and has teeth made of bees.