Birdnard the Sharpshooter

This bird may not fit the traditional definition of a sharpshooter, but where he fails in precision, he more than makes up for in showmanship. You see, this bird is the host of the yearly wacky shooting festival in Ohio, where which a number of marble pigeons are arranged on a stage, and shot at while the shooter is rotating in a circle at 60 rotations a minute (one full rotation per second) blindfolded and the two most accurate competitors face off in a very competitive game of Jenga. The winner gets five dollars, and the loser is put in a cage with a polar bear for five minutes.

This particular Bird, Birdnard (a play on the name “Bernard”) was the grand winner for the first 8 competitions with his extremely inaccurate revolvers. After his 8th win, he decided to retire in favor of becoming a professional host. He took a number of improve classes at the Y, and came to consider himself something of a comic. Unfortunately, his comedic savvy went unappreciated by audiences everywhere, who found it shallow and dull, but more importantly were very offended when Birdnard ate a baboon lung on stage.

Today Birdnard is still a host of the shooting festival, but his other hosting duties were unsuccessful, and he ended up being fired.

- Kent Wicklander