Sheriff versus Astronaut pt. 2
The new documents have finally been deciphered, and I have updates on the famed Sheriff versus Astronaut story (part 1 of which can be read here: http://www.devastationstudios.com/blog/2007/08/07/sheriff-versus-astronaut-pt-1/ )
First, some background on the astronaut. From the photo, it’s very clear that Marvin Clusterfield is a legitimate psychic. It’s true that a number of psychics are indeed frauds, but there are a few completely legitimate ones, of which Marvin is one, and he does not much care for being pigeonholed. He’s usually pretty responsible with his powers, but when these people try to discredit him, he has been known to turn them into grass, elves, boats, sausages, or submarines.
His stage name, “Marvin the Mastermind” is a tribute to his late uncle, “The Mastermind”, who was literally a lifeless brain. Imagine its mother’s reaction when she gave birth to a human brain… pretty disturbing. All the same, he had some amazing performances, with his amazing speed being the main attraction. For example, one of his most famous tricks involved turning water into wine and back to water again before the audience could even see the change. Other tricks involved disappearing and reappearing before the audience saw him vanish, eating food and spitting it back up completely intact before the audience saw him eat it, and so forth.
When NASA was looking for new astronauts, the first place they looked was in the psychic community. Marvin was a standout candidate for the position because of his speed, and the fact that he had extensive experience in strangling rodents. He didn’t have much training because NASA decided that he was mentally and physically more than fit enough to be the best astronaut ever born. They were so confident, they awarded him the Nobel peace prize and the Academy Award for best sound editing before he even left the ground.
During his first mission in space, he realized that he had left his sandwich out on a lunch table in a community park in Maine. He contacted the sheriff seen in the previous blog post to retrieve it, but he was bound by a contract he signed with NASA to not disclose the location of the sandwich. The sandwich was somehow strategically important to NASA – apparently, it was the first prototype for a jealous sandwich that would get jealous of those wanting to eat it and eat itself to spite them. It is unknown why this was on NASA’s schedule, but it was nonetheless. In any event, the sheriff failed to get the job done, so a duel was arranged.
The duel took place at a high school cafeteria. They each sat atop horses with rocket launchers in hand. They faced away from each other, took 100 steps forward, turned around, and charged. 5 children were crushed under the horses’ feet, and both horses tripped over tables before they were anywhere near each other. Marvin and the Sheriff each got to their feet and launched rockets at one another simultaneously. The rockets collided mid-air and 20 children were killed in the explosion. Martin offered an outstretched hand, a sign of goodwill, a gesture signifying the hope for a peaceful resolution. When the sheriff attempted to shake his hand, he realized that he had no arms, and bit Marvin’s head off, swallowing it with one gulp. Little did he know, that Marvin’s head’s psychic powers were still in effect, and the sheriff was turned into a large dead slug before he even knew it.
- Kent Wicklander
George Clooney’s Fish Children
George Clooney was hatched in 1793 from an ostrich egg in American Samoa. He was only the second man in American history to marry a goldfish. The goldfish, Petunia, was a Chinese college professor in the field of astrophysics (quite ahead of its time). Petunia met Clooney in one of her classes – Clooney was a fairly intelligent student, but he required special accommodations due to his 20 ft tall height. When he spoke to Petunia about his situation, it was love at first sight.
Clooney went on to be a moderately successful actor, nabbing parts in such films and TV shows as Predator: The Concert, Golden Girls, and Return of the Killer Tomatoes! In the last few years, he has not appeared on-screen and has instead spent all his time in his bathroom sitting on the toilet and eating subway sandwiches.
The real story here isn’t so much Clooney or Petunia, but rather the horrible fish-children that they produced. Petunia laid 150 eggs, all of which spawned horrendous mutations that craved human flesh. They spread all across the world, achieving significant success in both the public and private sectors, but never quite reaching the level of Flipper, the famous dolphin.
Four of his children still live today. Above is a photo of those infamous four children back in those days. From left, Bethany, Horace, Joan, and Franklin. Bethany is a teacher of inner-city children, Horace is a professional bodyguard in Iraq, Joan is a serial killer on the loose, and Franklin is now the Lieutenant Governor of Louisiana.
- Kent Wicklander
Birdnard the Sharpshooter
This bird may not fit the traditional definition of a sharpshooter, but where he fails in precision, he more than makes up for in showmanship. You see, this bird is the host of the yearly wacky shooting festival in Ohio, where which a number of marble pigeons are arranged on a stage, and shot at while the shooter is rotating in a circle at 60 rotations a minute (one full rotation per second) blindfolded and the two most accurate competitors face off in a very competitive game of Jenga. The winner gets five dollars, and the loser is put in a cage with a polar bear for five minutes.
This particular Bird, Birdnard (a play on the name “Bernard”) was the grand winner for the first 8 competitions with his extremely inaccurate revolvers. After his 8th win, he decided to retire in favor of becoming a professional host. He took a number of improve classes at the Y, and came to consider himself something of a comic. Unfortunately, his comedic savvy went unappreciated by audiences everywhere, who found it shallow and dull, but more importantly were very offended when Birdnard ate a baboon lung on stage.
Today Birdnard is still a host of the shooting festival, but his other hosting duties were unsuccessful, and he ended up being fired.
- Kent Wicklander
