Arbis Logan vs JFK

Arbis Logan may not be the most handsome bird in the world, but he’s got heart. Okay, so he may not technically have an actual heart, but he’s certainly full of slime. And that slime has heart.

Arbis straddles on the borderline between sentient and non-sentient being. he can move, but he lacks internal organs, including a brain. There is much debate regarding whether or not he is technically alive, but I tend to believe he is. After all, he did have a several year affair with Marilyn Monroe.

This affair has led to speculation that Arbis was in part responsible for the assassination of JFK, a jealousy fueled revenge murder. Apparently, Oswald and Arbis were old college roommates, but neither one of them made half decent grades. They instead sold blood to a Mexican blood bank in order to finance their Pontiac Grand Prix that they would use to drive across the country from Boston to San Diego, picking up hobos and drifters, locking them in a trailer, and forcing them to work in a rock quarry at the end of their trip. Along the way, they ran into a psychotic Elvis impersonator who stole their car and kidnapped Oswald. According to public record, this was the last they ever saw of each other, but the truth will forever remain a mystery.

Today, Arbis owns and works at a cotton candy shop next to the football stadium in Atlanta Georgia. There have been only 30 customer deaths associated with his cotton candy in the last 3 years, way down from the number from the previous 3 years.

- Kent Wicklander