Clown Boss
Many years ago I worked at RYC Industrial Steel, a company designed to supply the raw materials to businesses looking to make heavy use of steel. Car companies, plane companies, construction companies, and so forth. In any event, it was a pretty good place to work; pay wasn’t bad, not too stressful, nice people. Well, my boss was a pretty nice guy, and one holiday season he decided to host a Christmas party at our branch of the company. He even invited the president of the company. The party was pretty mellow, not mind-blowing but it was a relaxing way to get to know your co-workers. All in all, it was going pretty well… until the special guest arrived.
So my boss had arranged to have his nephew come to the party to entertain us, as he was looking for work. This turned out to be pretty awkward however, as the “entertainer” was a clown. And not a good clown. This didn’t deter the president however, who was endlessly amused. He couldn’t get enough, and by the end of the night, he had fired my boss and replaced him with the clown.
When I came into work after the Christmas break, my new boss, the clown (this time actually dressed in a suit and not wearing makeup), greeted me at the door with a bicycle horn to the face, and a loud scream. He then jumped in the air, turned around, and waddled back into the office. I reluctantly walked into the office, sat down in my cubicle, and got to work. Five minutes later, I was interrupted by confetti falling into my cubicle from above. I looked up, and less than a foot away was the clown staring me right in the face. By lunch time, we had all received a memo detailing the new mandatory policy for all employees to wear foam red noses. These sorts of antics repeated themselves pretty regularly throughout the day, and needless to say, proved to be pretty disruptive.
Ultimately, after a few weeks of this nonsense, he was promoted to vice president of the company, and a year later, he became president. The company’s stock then plummeted, and the company self-destructed within 2 months of the promotion.
- Kent Wicklander
Arbis Logan vs JFK
Arbis Logan may not be the most handsome bird in the world, but he’s got heart. Okay, so he may not technically have an actual heart, but he’s certainly full of slime. And that slime has heart.
Arbis straddles on the borderline between sentient and non-sentient being. he can move, but he lacks internal organs, including a brain. There is much debate regarding whether or not he is technically alive, but I tend to believe he is. After all, he did have a several year affair with Marilyn Monroe.
This affair has led to speculation that Arbis was in part responsible for the assassination of JFK, a jealousy fueled revenge murder. Apparently, Oswald and Arbis were old college roommates, but neither one of them made half decent grades. They instead sold blood to a Mexican blood bank in order to finance their Pontiac Grand Prix that they would use to drive across the country from Boston to San Diego, picking up hobos and drifters, locking them in a trailer, and forcing them to work in a rock quarry at the end of their trip. Along the way, they ran into a psychotic Elvis impersonator who stole their car and kidnapped Oswald. According to public record, this was the last they ever saw of each other, but the truth will forever remain a mystery.
Today, Arbis owns and works at a cotton candy shop next to the football stadium in Atlanta Georgia. There have been only 30 customer deaths associated with his cotton candy in the last 3 years, way down from the number from the previous 3 years.
- Kent Wicklander
