Bernard the Vampire Scientist
Bernard is one of the rare breed of scientists that possesses the charisma to get people really excited about his projects, even if they really are ridiculous. As a matter of fact, he actually secured a $50,000 grant for a vampire research project.
If you are able to get over the fact that vampires are not real, the quality you might be most interested in researching about the entirely fictional vampire might be it’s invincibility. Well, Bernard is totally uninterested in this; he is much more interested in the ability to grow fangs at will. In fact, his ultimate goal is to create an all-vampire boxing league.
Some of his other research projects include the prospects of prosthetic legs made of yarn, very short basketball hoops, underwater rain generators, and turtle toupees.
As of now, he is a guest lecturer at the University of the Universes, a joint venture between our universe and a parallel universe. He speaks on a number of subjects, though he tends to focus on vampires these days.
- Kent Wicklander
Ivan Cusack
My apologies for the delay, but I have been very busy writing a new Constitution for the United Arab Emirates that I had been commissioned to do by George Carlin. Anyway, that’s another story for another day, let’s get down to business.
Ivan Cusack is the father of the actors John and Joan Cusack. He was never the best father, and he would be the first to admit as such, but he did try his best, given his rather unorthodox upbringing. He was raised on a farm by a deranged 80 year old gentleman who had escaped a mental institution and kidnapped Ivan from a local orphanage. He forced Ivan to eat spiders while doing jumping jacks every day for breakfast. He put him on a rocking horse and pushed him down a ski slope in Colorado. He forced Ivan to brush his teeth using molten metal. He made Ivan serve roast beef to a tornado. After Ivan turned 17, he decided to strangle his father with a piano wire, and that was that.
Today, Ivan lives in a house that was bought for him by his son John. Ivan however is never quite satisfied. He calls John every day and screams at him about the cold water in the bath tub. At least once a week he convinces John to come down to his house to “fix” his bath tub by turning on the hot water, a procedure that Ivan has yet to understand.
Right now Ivan is locked in a complicated legal proceeding with his daughter Joan, who he thinks should exit show business due to her failure to match up to the success of her brother. He insists that she become a professional synchronized swimming instructor so that she may one day perform with a team of unicorns in front of the President of Nicaragua.
- Kent Wicklander
