Earth-Core Rodent-Decapitating Dentist

Many people have an irrational fear of dentists that is difficult to explain. I understand; when you walk into a dentist’s office, you just get a sinking feeling in your stomach. You feel threatened, but you see no reason to feel this way, so you try to push it out of your mind. It doesn’t leave. It lingers there, deep down, the intense fear that you don’t dare release for fear of being a laughing stock thanks to your apprehension.

Well, I have some good news and some bad news, depending on your perspective. Know that you never again have to feel like you’re crazy, as there is a true, legitimate reason to fear dentists. They lure you into their offices with their kind smiles, put you under with sleeping gas, and when you awake, whatever you went in for is complete. But what else did they do? And how did they do it?

Well, here’s the bad news. Dentists are all members of an underground organization that seeks to drill to the core of the earth in order to mine special, rare minerals and substances. These are cost effective, but there are reasons for this. These substances are obtained by capturing small earth-core-dwelling rodents, raising them to their full size (700lbs), and then lopping their heads off. The heads are thrown into a giant blender, mixed with toxic waste and cement, and molded into all of the tools that dentists use today. Additionally, all dental hygiene products are variants of this blend. Scope, breath mints, fluoride, toothpaste, everything.

Obviously, you now are going to want to pre-screen dentists before becoming a patient. Some key things to do would be to inquire about the contents of everything in the office Some other dead giveaways include blood-stained clothes and masks, large blenders laying around with bones in them, or severed heads of giant rodents. Additionally, if you start to glow or exhibit other symptoms of radiation poisoning, you might want to seek medical help.

For an example of one such dentist, behold.

- Kent Wicklander