Earth-Core Rodent-Decapitating Dentist
Many people have an irrational fear of dentists that is difficult to explain. I understand; when you walk into a dentist’s office, you just get a sinking feeling in your stomach. You feel threatened, but you see no reason to feel this way, so you try to push it out of your mind. It doesn’t leave. It lingers there, deep down, the intense fear that you don’t dare release for fear of being a laughing stock thanks to your apprehension.
Well, I have some good news and some bad news, depending on your perspective. Know that you never again have to feel like you’re crazy, as there is a true, legitimate reason to fear dentists. They lure you into their offices with their kind smiles, put you under with sleeping gas, and when you awake, whatever you went in for is complete. But what else did they do? And how did they do it?
Well, here’s the bad news. Dentists are all members of an underground organization that seeks to drill to the core of the earth in order to mine special, rare minerals and substances. These are cost effective, but there are reasons for this. These substances are obtained by capturing small earth-core-dwelling rodents, raising them to their full size (700lbs), and then lopping their heads off. The heads are thrown into a giant blender, mixed with toxic waste and cement, and molded into all of the tools that dentists use today. Additionally, all dental hygiene products are variants of this blend. Scope, breath mints, fluoride, toothpaste, everything.
Obviously, you now are going to want to pre-screen dentists before becoming a patient. Some key things to do would be to inquire about the contents of everything in the office Some other dead giveaways include blood-stained clothes and masks, large blenders laying around with bones in them, or severed heads of giant rodents. Additionally, if you start to glow or exhibit other symptoms of radiation poisoning, you might want to seek medical help.
For an example of one such dentist, behold.
- Kent Wicklander
The Tractor Racing Icon
Devin was born with a very unusual quality for a bird – a lack of arms. Instead, he has what some refer to as “wings”, appendages with no fingers, but rather “feathers”, which are apparently used to “fly”. This made his victories in the tractor riding competitions that much more inspiring.
Most people don’t think much about tractors, but they’re really quite incredible pieces of machinery. In fact, many consider them to be are the pinnacle of human design. Most people today that are “in the know” have a very difficult time deciding between a tractor and a sports car when they are shopping for vehicles.
In any event, Devin was a hero to many, many tractor enthusiasts. He was in numerous commercials championing top-of-the-line tractors, and ended up as the most prolific tractor icon of the last fifty years.
This all begin many, many years ago when a young Devin was a farmhand at his uncle’s farm. His uncle was a popular tractor racing competitor, but he was never able to capture the gold. He took Devin under his wing (ironically the only other tractor racing competitor to have wings), and taught him all he knew. Devin was eventually approached by a competing racing organization, who requested that he join their racing team. This led to a scenario in which Devin would be competing against his uncle, who would be participating in the last race of his career.
During the final moments of the race, Devin, his uncle, and former New York City mayor Ed Koch were in a dead heat for first place. Devin was in first, followed by Koch and then his uncle. Just moments before they reached the finish line, Devin cut off Koch, who crashed into the back of Devin’s tractor. This caused Koch’s face to smash against the steering wheel, giving him a fatal concussion. Devin’s uncle finished first, getting that elusive gold, and Devin gained tremendous popularity due to his selfless act. Following this incident, Devin went on to compete in and win many more races, leading to his iconic status.
- Kent Wicklander
Andre
Andre is a very special bouncer, employed by Ahmed at his exclusive Los Angeles club (an article on Ahmed can be found here: http://www.devastationstudios.com/blog/2007/09/10/ahmed-the-club-owner/). By special, I mean it in the same sense that the Special Olympics are special. Andre has always been a little slow. He started Kindergarten 2 years later than his peers, and by the time he made it to high school, he had failed so many grades in elementary and middle school that he was literally a decade older than his classmates when he entered his first year of high school.
Andre did find his niche however, joining the high school Junior Varsity football team as a linebacker. However, due to his “slowness”, he did not know his own strength. Andre had always been a large guy, and as a linebacker he held the statewide record for most injuries inflicted in a single season.
Mid way through his Junior year, Andre was in a game with a highly ranked team from out of town. In one play, as he was charging their linebackers, he bent over too far, and his head crushed straight into the chest of the opposing team’s linebacker. The impact pushed his head into his rib cage with such force that he was never quite the same. He was so dazed, he only managed to injure three of their players in this game.
He wasn’t able to get accepted to even the least prestigious school after “graduating” (his coaches had enough pull at the school to get his grades good enough that he would be eligible to play every game, and these grades allowed him to graduate). However, even with this on his resume, he had great difficulty getting even a low level job. Fortunately, one day Ahmed came across him when he was practicing his Frisbee skills in the park, and saw potential to be a bouncer at his new club, particularly considering the fact that Andre had no knowledge about the existence of the “minimum wage”. He has worked there ever since.
- Kent Wicklander
Earl Ganglia
Earl Ganglia is a retired construction worker who spent most of his life stacking bricks on top of one another. He worked alone, not using any fancy equipment or cement, or working from a plan. He was a master improviser. Unfortunately, while his constructions were often considered to be masterpieces by himself, his clients were seldom as satisfied. Since he used no cement, the bricks did not stay together, nor was a roof possible (he used ONLY bricks, due to the fact that shingles killed his sister – not the affliction shingles, but the kind of shingles that are on roofs). The fact that he did not work from plans meant that the structural integrity of his constructions was very weak. All that aside, for some reason, he was able to sustain himself for at 30 years.
His family life was even less successful than his professional one. He had a one night stand when he was 27, and fathered one daughter. He was not at the birth, because he was in jail after being accused of assault by a Chinese Sasquatch. The rest of his relationships with women occurred in bars, where he would drink excessively, eat chicken wings (if the bar did not serve them, he would bring his own), and shout pickup lines at women that walked by. His entire male-female interaction was composed of the rare occurrences when they would respond (always with loathing).
After he was forced to retire (one of his terrible constructions finally collapsed with people inside, killing a family of 7), he was financially destroyed. He was forced to move in with his daughter who he had never met. She was married and had 3 children, and was not happy to have him mooching off of her. She allowed it however, as she pitied him. He drank beer, ate chicken wings, and watched football games on her television all hours of the day and night, never sleeping or moving. Sometimes her children would want to watch cartoons, but he would drunkenly shoo them away, spitting bits of chicken wings all over them as he did so. Other times they would have company over for a party, but Earl absolutely refused to move, and would indicate this sentiment by screaming. It was suggested that he look for work elsewhere, perhaps as a snowboarding instructor, but he wasn’t interested.
- Kent Wicklander
