The Football Star

Chad’s life peaked earlier than he would have liked. He was on his high school football team as a quarterback. He had a large degree of success – his team, while never winning “the big one”, often went the whole season with only a few losses. After graduation, he went to Texas A&M and became their star quarterback. Unfortunately, he eventually started to take his skills for granted, and instead of working out before games, he would hang out with friends and drink drano.

Near his graduation, he got so wrecked the night before a game, he was not fit to play when he got there. He played anyway, and his coach allowed it because the stakes were so high. As is the case with many drano drinkers, the drano had soaked into his bones and made them brittle, so he was in a risky situation. At one point during the game, he went for a field goal, but he kicked so hard, his entire leg broke off (thanks in part to the brittle bones, and his lifelong condition of “explosive blood”). The severed leg did go through the posts, earning the team the victory, but this did end his football career on a sour note.

Considering that Chad had no other skills, after graduation he had a difficult time finding a job. Eventually he was hired by the circus as a clown wrangler. This job called for him to dress up in a suit and tie, grow a handlebar mustache, gain 100 pounds, and lead clowns into and out of tiny cars.

He now spends most of his time hanging out at gyms, talking about what a great football player he once was. This photo was taken at one of these gyms. The rest of the time he spends reading articles from pornographic magazines to orphans.

- Kent Wicklander