The Football Star
Chad’s life peaked earlier than he would have liked. He was on his high school football team as a quarterback. He had a large degree of success – his team, while never winning “the big one”, often went the whole season with only a few losses. After graduation, he went to Texas A&M and became their star quarterback. Unfortunately, he eventually started to take his skills for granted, and instead of working out before games, he would hang out with friends and drink drano.
Near his graduation, he got so wrecked the night before a game, he was not fit to play when he got there. He played anyway, and his coach allowed it because the stakes were so high. As is the case with many drano drinkers, the drano had soaked into his bones and made them brittle, so he was in a risky situation. At one point during the game, he went for a field goal, but he kicked so hard, his entire leg broke off (thanks in part to the brittle bones, and his lifelong condition of “explosive blood”). The severed leg did go through the posts, earning the team the victory, but this did end his football career on a sour note.
Considering that Chad had no other skills, after graduation he had a difficult time finding a job. Eventually he was hired by the circus as a clown wrangler. This job called for him to dress up in a suit and tie, grow a handlebar mustache, gain 100 pounds, and lead clowns into and out of tiny cars.
He now spends most of his time hanging out at gyms, talking about what a great football player he once was. This photo was taken at one of these gyms. The rest of the time he spends reading articles from pornographic magazines to orphans.
- Kent Wicklander
2002’s Coolest Teacher
This bird was voted “coolest teacher” by Claymore High School’s 2002 graduating class. A “gargoyle” instructor, this bird spent his time helping students learn about various gargoyles in various time periods by using analogies that his students could relate to, such as rap music and sawmill operation. It was these analogies that allowed this teacher, Kevin Whitmore, to become so cool. He was so cool, that he would wear sunglasses while teaching. A great deal of this coolness had to do with his incredible confidence which allowed him to see past the fact that his students frequently skipped his class, insulted him during lectures, and threw rotten eggs and meats at him during class. He knew that these were just manifestations of respect and admiration.
Unfortunately, the principal of the school did not see things his way. She informed Kevin that several of his students’ parents had approached her with complaints that their children were not interested in gargoyles, and felt that they were not particularly important to their education. The parents agreed with this, and many did not even know that gargoyle education was a required course at Claymore High School.
The principal decided that he needed to prove to her that gargoyle education was important, and that he was a valuable member of the faculty. Kevin was unsure of what to do to remedy this situation, but it occurred to him that graduation was coming up, and the “coolest teacher” award was going to be handed out during the ceremony. He knew he had to win this award.
The campaign was a difficult one. His primary opponent, “Magnum” Dan Lagoon, was beloved by all students, as he had told them that if he was to win the vote, they would all pass his class (which was required for graduation). Kevin needed an edge, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. One night he climbed up to a gothic cathedral in the city, and approached one of the gargoyles for a face-to-face discussion. The gargoyle promised that he would win the election, as long as Kevin would give him $6,000 to cover his outstanding gambling debts. The deal was made, and the election worked out in Kevin’s favor. Dan Lagoon, after losing, failed the entire 2002 “graduating” class.
Claymore’s 2007 High School reunion was held several weeks ago. It lasted 3 minutes.
- Kent Wicklander
Risking my Life for Birds
After some extensive soul searching, I have finally decided that my readers need to know the truth. As it happens, a few months ago, I received an anonymous threat in the form of my peep beast being covered in goat’s blood. Below is a photo of the beast prior to the blood incident, as I was too heartbroken to photograph it afterwards.
There was a piece of paper warning me to “cease and desist all bird related activities”. I was shaken, but neither stirred, nor deterred. This is important information that needs to be told. The second threat occurred a week later, when I woke one morning to see a severed horse head in my mailbox (I have an abnormally large mailbox). This really got me on edge, and I decided to keep watch for intruders. I finally caught sight of one of the stalkers, and got a decent photo. I developed it in my lab, (which if I may say, is quite elaborate), but a couple of weeks ago, my lab was burned to the ground, with said evidence in it. I was told in no uncertain terms that my life was in serious jeopardy if this blog was not shut down. Needless to say, this threat got my heart racing, and I had some serious thinking to do.
Well, my thinking is over, and I have made my decision. Stalk me if you must, threaten me, or even try to kill me. This information needs to be told. People need to know about the plight of birds, and if I don’t tell them, no one will. Someone has to step up, and that someone might as well be me. I apologize for my tardiness, and the lack of bird photos in this update, but obviously I have been in quite a serious situation as of late. That said, the stakes have been raised, and I’m not backing down - you can rest assured that your bird information will remain here on this blog as long as I live and breathe.
Bring it on. I’ve got the people behind me, and truth is on my side. People of the world, birds of the world, do not fret. I will not abandon you. And visitors, fear not, you will see some legitimate bird updates soon, assuming I am not dead.
- Kent Wicklander
