A Flock of Awesome
I was digging in my backyard, searching for gold, when I noticed the dirt moving. I stood up quickly, shocked. The moving dirt twitched around a bit before revealing itself to be…
A Flock of Awesome
As it happens, this “Flock of Awesome” had been hibernating in an underground beehive. They had been having some difficulty living with the bees, as each of them were no less than 40 pounds, making it difficult to fit in the traditional hive. I’m still not sure what the bees were doing underground.
In any event, these birds swarmed me, and I ended up with my hands tied behind my back in a matter of minutes. I don’t know where the rope came from, nor how they tied me up without arms or hands, but it most definitely occurred.
I was locked up in a cage on wheels (the sort of cage you might see at a circus) that was dragged by the birds to a large house. The birds donned ski masks, and proceeded to break into the house. I couldn’t see all of what they did inside, but after about 10 minutes, alarms went off, and I could see silhouettes of the birds scamper off into the darkness. When the police arrived, I was placed in prison.
I spent 2 years in prison for that crime. I was visited once by a few of the birds. The birds did not speak, but simply stared at me through the 2 way glass for several minutes. They did not blink, or look anywhere else. They just stared. That was the last time I ever saw them.
- Kent Wicklander
Disappointed Bird
This bird is very disappointed in you. He put all of his faith in you and what do you do? You drop the ball. You let the whole team down. You made your grandmother cry.
This bird has never been especially eloquent, nor has he been adept in psychological effects of harsh criticism of children, but he’s doing his best. He knows you are a disappointment, and he is doing his damndest to let you know it, and make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. It’s how he was brought up, and he turned out okay, are you saying you are less a man than he is? You can’t take a little friendly criticism?
Okay, so maybe he was a little harsh. He didn’t have to call you a useless coward that will never amount to anything, and he certainly didn’t have to bring your family into it. The comment about your mother being a whore was particularly out of line. But, as I said before, he is just doing what he thinks is right. And hey, stop turning this around on him, this is about you. You blew it. You were given the chance of a lifetime and you squandered it like the piece of trash that you are.
How many 7 year olds do you think get to be generals of the United States army? Let me tell you – not many. You got to command all those young men into the fight of their lives. But you made a massive tactical error, and now those men and women’s mothers and fathers are crying about their dead son(s) and daughter(s). I hope you’re happy.
Oh, is that right? You did your best? Well maybe your best just wasn’t good enough, ever think of that? Maybe you should have done a little research, ever thought about that? Perhaps you should have read Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” or “The U.S. Army/Marine Corps Counterinsurgency Field Manual”.
You may not like it, but this here bird knows what he’s talking about, and I respect his opinion a great deal. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve left me no choice. I’m going to tell your parents about what a bad job you did, and recommend that you are grounded for no less than one whole week.
- Kent Wicklander
The Bird-stache
This bird was never a particularly confident gentleman. Born a bird, he was always ashamed of his heritage. Though surrounded by fellow birds, he always felt inadequate. Because of his feelings of inadequacy, he felt he had to compensate by constantly proving himself. He would constantly pick fights with classmates in school, sometimes beating them with lead pipes, and other times eating their eyes. This made him feel good about himself, and the eyes he digested gave him super vision.
With this new confidence and super vision, he was finally able to go out and reach for the stars, and achieve his dreams. His business idea - “Bearns” - was a huge success. This invention was basically a standard bean, but contained within the bean, was a tiny bear. In other words it was a miniaturized adult bear contained in a hollow bean that functioned as an egg for the bear. When ingested, the bears would hatch in the mouth of the person eating them, and they would go wild, attacking the inside of the person’s mouth.
This invention was such an incredible success, he gained enough money to finally finance the plastic surgery he had always wanted, allowing him to remove his beak, and become what he always believed he deserved to be – a very unappealing, unhealthy, and overweight person.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Oil War
As indicated in the image, this bird is relatively large. This bird lived underground for nearly 2000 years before being awoken by an oil rig drilling into the sea floor in Alaska. It caused an earthquake that shook the bird from its slumber and made it furious. The ensuing battle was one for the ages. The workers on the oil rig used their trademark oil cannons (cartoony cannons that fire globs of oil instead of cannon balls), oilthrowers (flamethrowers but with oil instead of fire) and oil grenades (grenades that instead of exploding, leaked oil for about 10 minutes). All of these special oil weapons did injure the bird creature, but one must remember that this bird was no stranger to oil. It ate oil not just for sustenance, but also for a living.
You see, this bird was employed as an official oil taster for the “Tavern on the Green” restaurant in New York before his 2000 year slumber. Unfortunately for the oil workers, having been sleeping underground with a belly full of oil for the past two thousand years had left this bird immune to oil weapons; not only that, but it gave this bird special oil powers. Powers like oil-vision (essentially X-Ray vision, but instead of seeing through anything, the user can see only through oil). This didn’t prove particularly helpful in this particular battle, but it certainly proved useful as the bird’s job as a witch doctor some years later.
In any event, the battle raged for days, with both the bird and the workers bleeding oil from their wounds, mouths, eyes, and pores. In the end, both sides of the battle had gained a measure of respect for each other, and in the end, all shook hands as friends. They are now known as the stupendous crime fighting team the “RSO” – the “Respecting Oil Coalition”.
- Kent Wicklander
