Dolphin Corp. Supervisor
A few years ago I worked for a dolphin manufacturing company where we spent a good deal of time researching different methodologies and technologies to create more sophisticated and efficient dolphins. This bird was my supervisor, and he did nothing but hinder the progress of our project, constantly assigning menial tasks to me and cutting down on my time to work on a new specialized dolphin brain-busting technology.
I was forced to perform intern-like tasks, such as fetching coffee and using Legos to build fake sunglasses for squirrels. I had a real problem working under this bird – he seemed to have it out for me for some reason. Eventually, after completing the tasks I was assigned without complaint, he grew frustrated. Apparently, he wanted me to grow frustrated and quit. Left with no other choices, he challenged me to a bear victim contest, in which we would each be mauled by bears, and the survivor would be declared the winner, assuming there is one. When I declined, he became furious, alleging that I was a coward, and vowing to be mauled by a bear in order to prove a point to me and all of his other employees.
His body now resides in one of the great pyramids in eastern Minnesota, and last year my company released the newest in dolphin technology – the DXD9000, a dolphin that not only controls the weather, but also writes movie scripts for very reasonable prices.
- Kent Wicklander
Ant Farms and McDonalds
This man works part time at McDonalds, but his true passion is ant farms. In his bedroom alone, he has more than 300 ant farms, but no precise number is known as no one has dared count them – some are stacked on top of others, and it is feared that one might be dropped and unleash the ants everywhere. This did happen on at least one occasion in which he brought an ant farm to work at McDonalds to show everyone, but accidentally dropped it in with the French fries. Most of the customers that day were rather disappointed, and he was shocked to learn that he had not gained any respect from his co-workers.
When he’s not nourishing his ant farm addiction or spending his time at McDonalds, he is wagering his meager earnings from McDonalds on televised poker tournaments. He generally bets at least ¾ of his earnings any given week on poker (and keep in mind, he’s not actually playing, but betting on which professional player will win), and he often loses, as he bets on celebrities over professional players. He particularly likes to bet on the female celebrities as he believes that it would serve as a “way into their pants” by giving them something to talk about when he inevitably meets these female celebrities.
On a side note, I’d also like to thank the posters of all the recent comments that have let me know about several great opportunities. I won’t post them here, because I want to hog them all for myself, but suffice it to say, I now have an excellent source for “diet pills for brides” and loan calculations. Thanks dudes! Keep them comments coming, EVEN if they aren’t ads!
- Kent Wicklander
Ahmed the Club Owner
Ahmed is a Palestinian business man that owns a famous club in Los Angeles. The club is very exclusive. He only lets in A-list movie stars and celebrities, cats that have been featured in “Cat Fancy” magazine, leprechauns, and 56k modems. I was only let in because I wore a manacle, football shoulder pads and a fake mustache, and was mistaken for a leprechaun.
The music in the club is generally the top 3 most popular songs in America being played simultaneously from the same location. This does make dancing difficult, and the blinding white light doesn’t help. The whole club is illuminated with extremely powerful fluorescent white lights, and all the walls and floors are white. In order to leave the club with your eyesight in tact, you must wear sunglasses for the duration of your stay. One of the reasons for this is, had you been able to see clearly, you would see how few people were in the club.
I met Ahmed last month when I was visiting his club, looking for a hidden pearl covered in diamonds that had been buried in the ancient Indian burial ground on which the club was built many years ago. Little did I know that Ahmed had already found this pearl and was using it to control the ghosts of the Indians. When I came across him, he was in a private booth with a scruffy looking gentleman wearing a dirty suit. Drunk, he invited me to sit with him. I could hardly see through the smoke from their cigars.
The conversation was one you might expect between two dense drunkards. However, Ahmed let slide several top secret ideas for future business ventures, which I will report exclusively here on the Psycho No Deal Zone.
The first idea was a water fountain that pumped ashes from cremated unicorns. I think he wanted to add them to his club, but he couldn’t resolve the fact that the ashes wouldn’t be as white as he wanted them to be. Well, now that I think about it, that was really the only idea. The rest were incoherent sentences. Anyway, we have scheduled a meeting in a few weeks in which we will decide upon a date in which I will skydive into a bowl of gravy for charity. Somehow he intends to profit off of this, but how, I do not know.
In any event, the club was an outstanding experience, yet I can’t help but wonder how he got the money to fund it, especially considering the fact that this is the man that came up with the above idea. I would not be at all surprised if illegal activity was involved. I will report any new information that I gain access to.
- Kent Wicklander
Muscle Philosophy
Have you ever wondered what your muscles look like? You see pictures of red stringy stuff that doctors claim represents that looks like under your skin, but is that really the case? Should you really trust a doctor about something like that? Me? I don’t. I decided to find out for myself. I closed my eyes and thought REALLY HARD about muscles, for like, ten minutes. And you know what? I saw them. I saw what real muscles look like. And this is it. That’s really all it takes – determination. Determination to learn the truth about things. Determination to know with your heart and soul what is and what isn’t. determination to BE. It’s all a part of the tangled web we weave. The tangled web of justice and barricades, moons and elevators, tyranny and hopscotch.
Just stop for a minute and look up at the stars. Not night time? It’s a little known fact that the sun IS a star, so look up at that. Concentrate. Believe. In time, you will have an epiphany. You will come to the profound realization that muscles are the things that hold our lives together. If you don’t exercise, your muscles will weaken and you will lose your grip and fall out of society. Without muscles, you will have no way to defend yourself when the great falcon swoops down and steals your soul.
Oh, and your muscles are alive. They are every bit as alive as you. That’s why your skin is always moving – the hundreds of muscles are running around under there. Muscles have families, children, jobs; they experience love, loss, jealousy, and ecstasy. Some might even be plotting revenge against you as we speak. Perhaps you made a bad decision. Perhaps you forgot to inject super-steroids into them. Perhaps you neglected to work out, or you worked out too much. Muscles are fickle folks. All the same, they must be pleased, or you will never reach the level of success that you desire.
- Kent Wicklander
