Uncle Bird
This bird has 300 brothers and sisters, and all of those brothers and sisters each have at least 300 children. Essentially, this bird is the “fun uncle” to 90,000 nieces and nephews. What I mean by “fun uncle” is that this bird is always telling funny stories from its childhood, giving generous gifts to children, and getting drunk and telling embarrassing stories about people.
When sober, he tended to tell stories you might hear from your own uncle. For example, he once told a story about how he used to go buy ice cream after school for only 10 cents!
When plastered however, he told a story in which his brother stole $10,000 from his father and spent it on roulette, losing it all. While some might find this funny, it was quite embarrassing to his brother, and his wife and children, who apparently knew nothing about it.
Another embarrassing story involved his sister, who after a big football game in high school, gave her virginity to the school quarterback, who after that night told all of his friends that she was a whore. Not only was this embarrassing to his sister, it was also embarrassing to another one of his sisters and her husband, who was the aforementioned football player.
Needless to say, these stories don’t usually buy him much good will among his brothers and sisters.
Aside from these family reunions, this bird’s life is rather unfulfilling and uninteresting. He spends much of his time hanging around at bars, drunk, and hitting on women half his age, unsuccessfully. The rest of his time is spent at tanning salons and just outside the 100 foot radius dictated by the restraining order from his ex-wife.
- Kent Wicklander
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