The Super Guard
Back in March, I posted back at PBZ about Charles and Bessie Lou, who had been in an internment camp and had an epic battle with a “Super Guard” that worked there. The following is the description of the super guard and his incident with Charles and Bessie Lou from the aforementioned post.
The ultimate guard featured 2 inch thick body armor, a helmet reminiscent of “Shredder” of Ninja Turtles fame, a long red cape, and huge cowboy boots. The ultimate guard revealed his tomahawks that he juggled in a display of arrogance and skill. Charles was taken aback, and he dropped his trusty sword. Seeing that Charles was unable to defend himself, the ultimate guard threw his tomahawks. Just as the tomahawks were about to collide with Charles, Bessie Lou jumped between them and him, and used her telekinetic powers to turn the tables, throwing the tomahawks back at the guard. Once the tomahawks collided with the guard, he immediately exploded.
You can read more here: http://flickr.com/photos/pndz/415289558/. In this post, I describe the Super Guard, but I felt that it would be best to SHOW you exactly what this super guard looked like. The following is a photo of the super guard.
And here is a photo of his ghost, looking over the internment camp. This of course took place after he had exploded, but his ghost still haunted the camp. Like most camps, the prisoners frequently gathered around bonfires, roasted marshmallows, and told ghost stories. Well, you can imagine their surprise when they saw THIS ghost the very next day when they were ordered to build new buildings.
This guard was clearly no ordinary guard. He spent a great deal of time practicing his tomahawk throwing skills, and trained in several fields of martial arts, including some that gave him supernatural powers. One such organization was Yellow Bamboo where he learned to harness exploding energy, making him a real force to be reckoned with.
You might be wondering what caused this Super Guard to become a Super Guard. Well, his upbringing wasn’t anything extraordinary aside from his training. He was raised in a trailer park, and he married another woman from the trailer park that had no teeth. They had 15 children, and neither of them worked. They all sat in the trailer and watched their 10 inch television all day, and slept outside on the mud at night (due to the fact that there was too much clutter to sleep on the floor in the trailer). When he was offered the position of “Super Guard” he abandoned his family and moved to the camp, leaving only a note that had crayon drawings of unicorns on it.
- Kent Wicklander & ‘Shar Kassai
The Boxing Rooster
This rooster is ready to fight you. You might think you could take him on, but you don’t know about his training and experience. This rooster has been in several high-profile boxing matches. He fought (and beat) Muhammad Ali, Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson, and Lennox Lewis. His only losing fight was against Bob Saget (who was piloting a large robot with chainsaw arms). He has had incredible matches against hurricanes, depression, terrorism, racism, and the Microsoft Corporation.
He has been hosting a television show for the past six years in which he tries to test his boxing skills on deadly animals such as bears, cougars, and sharks (there was an epic underwater boxing match that will go down as one of the best in history). He was employed for a short time by the United States government to go find, and box to death, Osama Bin Laden, but he was recalled after a month due to emerging reports claiming that bullets had been fired in his general direction from genetically mutated owls. The rooster’s sponsors had booked a fight against mutated owls for the next month, and they didn’t want the two to clash when it wasn’t being televised and paid for.
Now then, are you sure you want to fight this guy, Mr. Big Shot? I’d understand if you wanted to back out now – it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
- Kent Wicklander
Flynn
Flynn is an old friend of mine. Every year, the two of us road trip to a different state. This year it was Missouri. Flynn is a racist jerk.
-’Shar Kassai
You better make that money…
-’Shar Kassai
Uncle Bird
This bird has 300 brothers and sisters, and all of those brothers and sisters each have at least 300 children. Essentially, this bird is the “fun uncle” to 90,000 nieces and nephews. What I mean by “fun uncle” is that this bird is always telling funny stories from its childhood, giving generous gifts to children, and getting drunk and telling embarrassing stories about people.
When sober, he tended to tell stories you might hear from your own uncle. For example, he once told a story about how he used to go buy ice cream after school for only 10 cents!
When plastered however, he told a story in which his brother stole $10,000 from his father and spent it on roulette, losing it all. While some might find this funny, it was quite embarrassing to his brother, and his wife and children, who apparently knew nothing about it.
Another embarrassing story involved his sister, who after a big football game in high school, gave her virginity to the school quarterback, who after that night told all of his friends that she was a whore. Not only was this embarrassing to his sister, it was also embarrassing to another one of his sisters and her husband, who was the aforementioned football player.
Needless to say, these stories don’t usually buy him much good will among his brothers and sisters.
Aside from these family reunions, this bird’s life is rather unfulfilling and uninteresting. He spends much of his time hanging around at bars, drunk, and hitting on women half his age, unsuccessfully. The rest of his time is spent at tanning salons and just outside the 100 foot radius dictated by the restraining order from his ex-wife.
- Kent Wicklander
Sheriff versus Astronaut pt. 1
This is a cowboy. This cowboy lived in the old west, where he was the sheriff of a small town. He routinely used a lasso to round up ne’er-do-wells and used his revolver to shoot horses. He hog tied dogs and chickens and left them in the road, so they could get run over by carriages. He jumped up and down on a trampoline. These compose the responsibilities of a sheriff back in those days.
In one instance he was contacted by a man from space via telephone, who needed some jobs done from him. This man, an astronaut, had left his sandwich out on a table in his back yard, exposed to the elements. He knew that this sandwich would not last long before becoming inedible. It was critical that the sheriff, in a timely fashion, loaded the sandwich into a slingshot and shot it into space, so as to be received by the astronaut, who would proceed to eat it.
Unfortunately, this proved to be a difficult task as the astronaut refused to give the exact location of the sandwich for “security reasons”, only specifying that it was in the eastern half of the United States. After two weeks it became obvious that the sheriff would be unable to locate the sandwich in time, and it was apparently obvious to the astronaut as well, who phoned the sheriff once again. This time he was furious at the sheriff’s incompetence, and vowed revenge. He said that one day he would return to earth and they would have a duel.
As of now, no one knows what became of him, but in the last few weeks ancient documents have been uncovered, and we are learning more every day. Keep checking here at the Psycho No Deal Zone, as we will bring you updates on this tale as soon as they become available.
- Kent Wicklander
