Sheriff versus Astronaut pt. 2
The new documents have finally been deciphered, and I have updates on the famed Sheriff versus Astronaut story (part 1 of which can be read here: http://www.devastationstudios.com/blog/2007/08/07/sheriff-versus-astronaut-pt-1/ )
First, some background on the astronaut. From the photo, it’s very clear that Marvin Clusterfield is a legitimate psychic. It’s true that a number of psychics are indeed frauds, but there are a few completely legitimate ones, of which Marvin is one, and he does not much care for being pigeonholed. He’s usually pretty responsible with his powers, but when these people try to discredit him, he has been known to turn them into grass, elves, boats, sausages, or submarines.
His stage name, “Marvin the Mastermind” is a tribute to his late uncle, “The Mastermind”, who was literally a lifeless brain. Imagine its mother’s reaction when she gave birth to a human brain… pretty disturbing. All the same, he had some amazing performances, with his amazing speed being the main attraction. For example, one of his most famous tricks involved turning water into wine and back to water again before the audience could even see the change. Other tricks involved disappearing and reappearing before the audience saw him vanish, eating food and spitting it back up completely intact before the audience saw him eat it, and so forth.
When NASA was looking for new astronauts, the first place they looked was in the psychic community. Marvin was a standout candidate for the position because of his speed, and the fact that he had extensive experience in strangling rodents. He didn’t have much training because NASA decided that he was mentally and physically more than fit enough to be the best astronaut ever born. They were so confident, they awarded him the Nobel peace prize and the Academy Award for best sound editing before he even left the ground.
During his first mission in space, he realized that he had left his sandwich out on a lunch table in a community park in Maine. He contacted the sheriff seen in the previous blog post to retrieve it, but he was bound by a contract he signed with NASA to not disclose the location of the sandwich. The sandwich was somehow strategically important to NASA – apparently, it was the first prototype for a jealous sandwich that would get jealous of those wanting to eat it and eat itself to spite them. It is unknown why this was on NASA’s schedule, but it was nonetheless. In any event, the sheriff failed to get the job done, so a duel was arranged.
The duel took place at a high school cafeteria. They each sat atop horses with rocket launchers in hand. They faced away from each other, took 100 steps forward, turned around, and charged. 5 children were crushed under the horses’ feet, and both horses tripped over tables before they were anywhere near each other. Marvin and the Sheriff each got to their feet and launched rockets at one another simultaneously. The rockets collided mid-air and 20 children were killed in the explosion. Martin offered an outstretched hand, a sign of goodwill, a gesture signifying the hope for a peaceful resolution. When the sheriff attempted to shake his hand, he realized that he had no arms, and bit Marvin’s head off, swallowing it with one gulp. Little did he know, that Marvin’s head’s psychic powers were still in effect, and the sheriff was turned into a large dead slug before he even knew it.
- Kent Wicklander
George Clooney’s Fish Children
George Clooney was hatched in 1793 from an ostrich egg in American Samoa. He was only the second man in American history to marry a goldfish. The goldfish, Petunia, was a Chinese college professor in the field of astrophysics (quite ahead of its time). Petunia met Clooney in one of her classes – Clooney was a fairly intelligent student, but he required special accommodations due to his 20 ft tall height. When he spoke to Petunia about his situation, it was love at first sight.
Clooney went on to be a moderately successful actor, nabbing parts in such films and TV shows as Predator: The Concert, Golden Girls, and Return of the Killer Tomatoes! In the last few years, he has not appeared on-screen and has instead spent all his time in his bathroom sitting on the toilet and eating subway sandwiches.
The real story here isn’t so much Clooney or Petunia, but rather the horrible fish-children that they produced. Petunia laid 150 eggs, all of which spawned horrendous mutations that craved human flesh. They spread all across the world, achieving significant success in both the public and private sectors, but never quite reaching the level of Flipper, the famous dolphin.
Four of his children still live today. Above is a photo of those infamous four children back in those days. From left, Bethany, Horace, Joan, and Franklin. Bethany is a teacher of inner-city children, Horace is a professional bodyguard in Iraq, Joan is a serial killer on the loose, and Franklin is now the Lieutenant Governor of Louisiana.
- Kent Wicklander
Birdnard the Sharpshooter
This bird may not fit the traditional definition of a sharpshooter, but where he fails in precision, he more than makes up for in showmanship. You see, this bird is the host of the yearly wacky shooting festival in Ohio, where which a number of marble pigeons are arranged on a stage, and shot at while the shooter is rotating in a circle at 60 rotations a minute (one full rotation per second) blindfolded and the two most accurate competitors face off in a very competitive game of Jenga. The winner gets five dollars, and the loser is put in a cage with a polar bear for five minutes.
This particular Bird, Birdnard (a play on the name “Bernard”) was the grand winner for the first 8 competitions with his extremely inaccurate revolvers. After his 8th win, he decided to retire in favor of becoming a professional host. He took a number of improve classes at the Y, and came to consider himself something of a comic. Unfortunately, his comedic savvy went unappreciated by audiences everywhere, who found it shallow and dull, but more importantly were very offended when Birdnard ate a baboon lung on stage.
Today Birdnard is still a host of the shooting festival, but his other hosting duties were unsuccessful, and he ended up being fired.
- Kent Wicklander
Clown Boss
Many years ago I worked at RYC Industrial Steel, a company designed to supply the raw materials to businesses looking to make heavy use of steel. Car companies, plane companies, construction companies, and so forth. In any event, it was a pretty good place to work; pay wasn’t bad, not too stressful, nice people. Well, my boss was a pretty nice guy, and one holiday season he decided to host a Christmas party at our branch of the company. He even invited the president of the company. The party was pretty mellow, not mind-blowing but it was a relaxing way to get to know your co-workers. All in all, it was going pretty well… until the special guest arrived.
So my boss had arranged to have his nephew come to the party to entertain us, as he was looking for work. This turned out to be pretty awkward however, as the “entertainer” was a clown. And not a good clown. This didn’t deter the president however, who was endlessly amused. He couldn’t get enough, and by the end of the night, he had fired my boss and replaced him with the clown.
When I came into work after the Christmas break, my new boss, the clown (this time actually dressed in a suit and not wearing makeup), greeted me at the door with a bicycle horn to the face, and a loud scream. He then jumped in the air, turned around, and waddled back into the office. I reluctantly walked into the office, sat down in my cubicle, and got to work. Five minutes later, I was interrupted by confetti falling into my cubicle from above. I looked up, and less than a foot away was the clown staring me right in the face. By lunch time, we had all received a memo detailing the new mandatory policy for all employees to wear foam red noses. These sorts of antics repeated themselves pretty regularly throughout the day, and needless to say, proved to be pretty disruptive.
Ultimately, after a few weeks of this nonsense, he was promoted to vice president of the company, and a year later, he became president. The company’s stock then plummeted, and the company self-destructed within 2 months of the promotion.
- Kent Wicklander
Arbis Logan vs JFK
Arbis Logan may not be the most handsome bird in the world, but he’s got heart. Okay, so he may not technically have an actual heart, but he’s certainly full of slime. And that slime has heart.
Arbis straddles on the borderline between sentient and non-sentient being. he can move, but he lacks internal organs, including a brain. There is much debate regarding whether or not he is technically alive, but I tend to believe he is. After all, he did have a several year affair with Marilyn Monroe.
This affair has led to speculation that Arbis was in part responsible for the assassination of JFK, a jealousy fueled revenge murder. Apparently, Oswald and Arbis were old college roommates, but neither one of them made half decent grades. They instead sold blood to a Mexican blood bank in order to finance their Pontiac Grand Prix that they would use to drive across the country from Boston to San Diego, picking up hobos and drifters, locking them in a trailer, and forcing them to work in a rock quarry at the end of their trip. Along the way, they ran into a psychotic Elvis impersonator who stole their car and kidnapped Oswald. According to public record, this was the last they ever saw of each other, but the truth will forever remain a mystery.
Today, Arbis owns and works at a cotton candy shop next to the football stadium in Atlanta Georgia. There have been only 30 customer deaths associated with his cotton candy in the last 3 years, way down from the number from the previous 3 years.
- Kent Wicklander
Bernard the Vampire Scientist
Bernard is one of the rare breed of scientists that possesses the charisma to get people really excited about his projects, even if they really are ridiculous. As a matter of fact, he actually secured a $50,000 grant for a vampire research project.
If you are able to get over the fact that vampires are not real, the quality you might be most interested in researching about the entirely fictional vampire might be it’s invincibility. Well, Bernard is totally uninterested in this; he is much more interested in the ability to grow fangs at will. In fact, his ultimate goal is to create an all-vampire boxing league.
Some of his other research projects include the prospects of prosthetic legs made of yarn, very short basketball hoops, underwater rain generators, and turtle toupees.
As of now, he is a guest lecturer at the University of the Universes, a joint venture between our universe and a parallel universe. He speaks on a number of subjects, though he tends to focus on vampires these days.
- Kent Wicklander
Ivan Cusack
My apologies for the delay, but I have been very busy writing a new Constitution for the United Arab Emirates that I had been commissioned to do by George Carlin. Anyway, that’s another story for another day, let’s get down to business.
Ivan Cusack is the father of the actors John and Joan Cusack. He was never the best father, and he would be the first to admit as such, but he did try his best, given his rather unorthodox upbringing. He was raised on a farm by a deranged 80 year old gentleman who had escaped a mental institution and kidnapped Ivan from a local orphanage. He forced Ivan to eat spiders while doing jumping jacks every day for breakfast. He put him on a rocking horse and pushed him down a ski slope in Colorado. He forced Ivan to brush his teeth using molten metal. He made Ivan serve roast beef to a tornado. After Ivan turned 17, he decided to strangle his father with a piano wire, and that was that.
Today, Ivan lives in a house that was bought for him by his son John. Ivan however is never quite satisfied. He calls John every day and screams at him about the cold water in the bath tub. At least once a week he convinces John to come down to his house to “fix” his bath tub by turning on the hot water, a procedure that Ivan has yet to understand.
Right now Ivan is locked in a complicated legal proceeding with his daughter Joan, who he thinks should exit show business due to her failure to match up to the success of her brother. He insists that she become a professional synchronized swimming instructor so that she may one day perform with a team of unicorns in front of the President of Nicaragua.
- Kent Wicklander
Earth-Core Rodent-Decapitating Dentist
Many people have an irrational fear of dentists that is difficult to explain. I understand; when you walk into a dentist’s office, you just get a sinking feeling in your stomach. You feel threatened, but you see no reason to feel this way, so you try to push it out of your mind. It doesn’t leave. It lingers there, deep down, the intense fear that you don’t dare release for fear of being a laughing stock thanks to your apprehension.
Well, I have some good news and some bad news, depending on your perspective. Know that you never again have to feel like you’re crazy, as there is a true, legitimate reason to fear dentists. They lure you into their offices with their kind smiles, put you under with sleeping gas, and when you awake, whatever you went in for is complete. But what else did they do? And how did they do it?
Well, here’s the bad news. Dentists are all members of an underground organization that seeks to drill to the core of the earth in order to mine special, rare minerals and substances. These are cost effective, but there are reasons for this. These substances are obtained by capturing small earth-core-dwelling rodents, raising them to their full size (700lbs), and then lopping their heads off. The heads are thrown into a giant blender, mixed with toxic waste and cement, and molded into all of the tools that dentists use today. Additionally, all dental hygiene products are variants of this blend. Scope, breath mints, fluoride, toothpaste, everything.
Obviously, you now are going to want to pre-screen dentists before becoming a patient. Some key things to do would be to inquire about the contents of everything in the office Some other dead giveaways include blood-stained clothes and masks, large blenders laying around with bones in them, or severed heads of giant rodents. Additionally, if you start to glow or exhibit other symptoms of radiation poisoning, you might want to seek medical help.
For an example of one such dentist, behold.
- Kent Wicklander
The Tractor Racing Icon
Devin was born with a very unusual quality for a bird – a lack of arms. Instead, he has what some refer to as “wings”, appendages with no fingers, but rather “feathers”, which are apparently used to “fly”. This made his victories in the tractor riding competitions that much more inspiring.
Most people don’t think much about tractors, but they’re really quite incredible pieces of machinery. In fact, many consider them to be are the pinnacle of human design. Most people today that are “in the know” have a very difficult time deciding between a tractor and a sports car when they are shopping for vehicles.
In any event, Devin was a hero to many, many tractor enthusiasts. He was in numerous commercials championing top-of-the-line tractors, and ended up as the most prolific tractor icon of the last fifty years.
This all begin many, many years ago when a young Devin was a farmhand at his uncle’s farm. His uncle was a popular tractor racing competitor, but he was never able to capture the gold. He took Devin under his wing (ironically the only other tractor racing competitor to have wings), and taught him all he knew. Devin was eventually approached by a competing racing organization, who requested that he join their racing team. This led to a scenario in which Devin would be competing against his uncle, who would be participating in the last race of his career.
During the final moments of the race, Devin, his uncle, and former New York City mayor Ed Koch were in a dead heat for first place. Devin was in first, followed by Koch and then his uncle. Just moments before they reached the finish line, Devin cut off Koch, who crashed into the back of Devin’s tractor. This caused Koch’s face to smash against the steering wheel, giving him a fatal concussion. Devin’s uncle finished first, getting that elusive gold, and Devin gained tremendous popularity due to his selfless act. Following this incident, Devin went on to compete in and win many more races, leading to his iconic status.
- Kent Wicklander
Andre
Andre is a very special bouncer, employed by Ahmed at his exclusive Los Angeles club (an article on Ahmed can be found here: http://www.devastationstudios.com/blog/2007/09/10/ahmed-the-club-owner/). By special, I mean it in the same sense that the Special Olympics are special. Andre has always been a little slow. He started Kindergarten 2 years later than his peers, and by the time he made it to high school, he had failed so many grades in elementary and middle school that he was literally a decade older than his classmates when he entered his first year of high school.
Andre did find his niche however, joining the high school Junior Varsity football team as a linebacker. However, due to his “slowness”, he did not know his own strength. Andre had always been a large guy, and as a linebacker he held the statewide record for most injuries inflicted in a single season.
Mid way through his Junior year, Andre was in a game with a highly ranked team from out of town. In one play, as he was charging their linebackers, he bent over too far, and his head crushed straight into the chest of the opposing team’s linebacker. The impact pushed his head into his rib cage with such force that he was never quite the same. He was so dazed, he only managed to injure three of their players in this game.
He wasn’t able to get accepted to even the least prestigious school after “graduating” (his coaches had enough pull at the school to get his grades good enough that he would be eligible to play every game, and these grades allowed him to graduate). However, even with this on his resume, he had great difficulty getting even a low level job. Fortunately, one day Ahmed came across him when he was practicing his Frisbee skills in the park, and saw potential to be a bouncer at his new club, particularly considering the fact that Andre had no knowledge about the existence of the “minimum wage”. He has worked there ever since.
- Kent Wicklander
