The Great Serpent: Part 10
If you have not read part 1 , part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, do so before reading part 10.
When Paonanalobogar reached the campfire, the silhouettes became visible. They all turned to look at him, and Paonanalobogar realized that they were all wearing poorly made ghost costumes, presumably made out of bed sheets. Paonanalobogar spotted an empty spot on a log, and tentatively walked over to it and sat down. They sat in silence for several minutes.
When the first ghost screamed, Paonanalobogar was startled, but it was when the ghost abruptly leapt into the fire that he was truly terrified. The other ghosts followed suit, all immediately catching fire, screaming, and writhing around on the ground. Paonanalobogar stood up and began to call for help, but all the cabins appeared abandoned. But the door to one single cabin adjacent to the campfire cracked open just a bit. He squinted at the cabin, but no further activity seemed to happen. He knew he didn’t have time to waste, so he ran to the cabin as fast as he could. He grabbed the door handle and pulled it with one swift motion. The door broke off the hinges and fell towards Paonanalobogar, and thousands of bats flew out. The momentum sent him to the floor, and the constant stream of bats was so dense that they took up every inch of empty space in the doorframe. There was practically no room for movement; he was pinned down under the door by the sheer volume of bats.
The earth-shaking belch disrupted the bats, and Paonanalobogar took advantage of the brief break, sliding out from underneath the door and to the side of the bat-stream. When he looked up, he realized where the belch had come from. He was lying in front of what was once a campfire, but was now a toad that appeared to be some 15 feet tall, and some 20 feet in diameter. All of the bats were flying directly into its open mouth. Finally, after watching for around ten more minutes, the bats stopped coming out of the cabin, and the toad closed its mouth, having devoured each and every one of them.
Hit with a sudden burst of adrenaline, Paonanalobogar got to his feet and ran to the toad, jumping on its back. He kicked his heels into its side and shouted “Ya!” After a belching and vomiting up several dead bats, the frog began to move. They were on their way.
After they had left, Xoc Xuthos stumbled out of the cabin, followed by a fat woman waving a frying pan in the air and shouting in Finnish. Xuthos cowered and held his hands up for mercy. The fat woman quickly ate the rest of her rotten cheeseburger before waddling back inside, muttering under her breath. Xuthos sighed and looked down, spotting his prize. Sitting right where the frog had been was now a very large egg, far larger than the one that had hatched a serpent earlier. A sly grin crept across Xuthos’ face as he clasped his hands together. He reached down to grab it, but to his shock, he was stopped by a green hand grasping his wrist.
-0-
Wanahanakukouha tried to ignore the screaming, but was unable to cover her ears; her hands were occupied carrying her substantial suitcases.
“Bring me my manacle, I want to read Doonesbury! Where the hell do you think you’re going!? I boiled some grass and construction paper for dinner!”
“No mom, I can’t stay here. I have to find my husband.”
“Well then, why don’t you take a look at that letter that came today?”
Wanahanakukouha glanced down at the table and saw a letter. It was from the Army. She quickly opened it and read it.
“Paonanalobogar has been drafted to the Army. He is to report to “Space Camp Lil’ Bitchface” at 0800 hours on Wednesday, March 11th to train for combat with the Japanese space-menace. Please bring the following supplies: Colostomy Bag, Book of sub-par knock knock jokes, six vials of vanilla extract, a box of 64 crayons all the color “maroon”, and your last living will and testament. How do you like them apples, you jerk?
Sincerely,
The Army”
She looked up at her mother, who was now distracted, slapping a sausage repeatedly with a spatula and screaming at it to do its homework.
The Great Serpent: Part 9
If you have not read part 1 , part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, or part 8, do so before reading part 9.
Paonanalobogar slowly opened his eyes. He sat up on the side of his bed. He looked around and recognized nothing. He was in a run down log cabin that appeared to be abandoned. There were cobwebs everywhere, and everything was covered with dust. “How long have I been here?” he thought to himself.
As if on cue, the door burst open. Still drowsy, the bright light blinded Paonanalobogar and he shielded his eyes with his hands. “Where am I?” he asked. The door slammed shut and the figure walked into the room; Paonanalobogar was still reeling from the light and was unable to decipher the silhouette. The figure ignored Paonanalobogar, instead walking directly to a dresser by his bed. As his eyes readjusted to the darkness, he caught a glimpse of the man by the bed. It was Xoc Xuthos.
Xuthos’ neck was bent awkwardly to one side at what was well over a 45 degree angle. A portion of his spine was protruding from the base of the bent portion of his neck, where an enormous scab was located. He reached into the dresser drawer and pulled out a small tree frog. He clutched it in his hands very tightly and increased the pressure. As the pressure increased, the frog’s eyes began to bulge. A semblance of a grin crossed Xuthos’ face, and for a moment the rotten black and gray gums and missing teeth were visible. Xuthos lifted his eye patch to reveal a hideous eye socket, black and crusty. The frog’s eyes popped and the eye-juices were launched into Xuthos’ exposed socket. He lowered his eye patch once again and tossed the limp frog to the hardwood floor. He stood there for a moment looking at Paonanalobogar, and then turned and walked back out the door.
Horrified, Paonanalobogar waited a few moments after Xuthos left, and then he jumped out of bed and ran out the door. Once he was out the door and out on the porch, he slowed down and looked around. He was surrounded by gigantic trees in every direction. He looked to his left and saw a row of log cabins, most of which were falling apart. Up ahead he saw a small plume of smoke up above what appeared to be a small camp fire with several figures around it. He thought about the fact that it might be Xuthos, but he didn’t think he could move fast enough to get there that quickly. He started walking towards the fire.
-0-
“Get over here and change the god damned channel!” Wanahanakukouha’s mother screamed. “I’ve seen enough of this stupid show! I want to watch the Golden Girls!”
“Coming mother” sighed Wanahanakukouha. She walked over to her mother, picked up the remote control that lay on the table 2 feet in front of her, and put it in her hands.
“How the hell do I know what channel Golden Girls is on!? God! You are so selfish!” screamed Wanahanakukouha’s mother screamed, spit flying in the air. “Give me my dentures, I want to eat the steamed hamsters!”
Wanahanakukouha sighed once again and walked out of the room. She walked up the stairs to what was her room as a child. She reminisced about the night she met Paonanalobogar. It was her sophomore year of high school and she had decided to go to the homecoming dance alone. She was standing in the corner, regretting her decision when her eyes rested upon the most handsome robot exoskeleton she had ever seen. The shimmering steel on it’s claw-hands seemed to call to her. The 10 red, cold, mechanical eyes that circled the head of the robot seemed to pierce her soul. The treads, the spikes, it was all so new to her. She didn’t even seem to notice that everyone else at the dance was screaming and running for their lives. Nor did she care that the robot exoskeleton was gunning down people with a machine gun , slicing open their skulls with a chainsaw, and collecting their brains and putting them into a leather bag with dollar signs on it. She was in love.
But today it was all different. She didn’t even know where he was. Was he even alive? Did he love her anymore? Why wasn’t the new version of his exoskeleton as handsome as the old one? She was interrupted from her thoughts by screaming from downstairs.
“Oh my god, the Golden Girls came out of the TV and are trying to kill me!”
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 8
If you have not read part 1 , part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, or part 7, do so before reading part 8.
The unicorn-horn-magic-man stumbled, but did not hesitate. The castle foundation beneath him was having great difficulty supporting his incredible weight, but he remained oblivious. He continued to whistle and sing as he brought walls down on screaming women and children (by this point the men had all unsuccessfully attempted to mount a counterattack via pole vault assisted dropkick from off the highest ledge on the castle. They fell to their deaths.) The magic man’s arms were swinging in circles like the wheels of a death tractor, sending rubble everywhere. His next step was a fateful one. His massive foot crashed through the ground, making him lose his balance. He fell forward, his entire weight demolishing the foundation of the castle. The castle’s edges tipped inward as the structure collapsed in on itself, the pit of which continued to fall deeper into the ground.
Wanahanakukouha and Paonanalobogar looked on with mixed emotions. They were grateful that their once insane decision to build their castle on top of an active volcano had paid off, but now they had nowhere to go. They floated in the air on their pterodactyl, circling over what was once their castle, but was now flaming rubble and dead bodies.
“I’ve got an idea” Wanahanakukouha said. “Let’s go stay at my mom’s house!”
Paonanalobogar stared at her with cold, emotionless, vacant eyes. He said nothing for several seconds. Then he took a deep breath and leapt off the prehistoric bird, falling like a stone towards the earth, hundreds of feet below. Wanahanakukouha screamed and reached down, but it was far too late.
Paonanalobogar was spinning head over heels, out of control as he plummeted towards the ground. It was getting closer. The wind whipping against his body as he flew through the air was soothing. He almost felt like he was flying. He closed his eyes. The wind stopped. He wasn’t falling anymore. He opened his eyes and looked in horror as a face from his past stared him down. He was in the arms of the very Serpent King that he had once killed. How was this possible? He witnessed the knife enter the serpent’s back. He had helped skin the body. This couldn’t be real. The serpent’s expression was unreadable. The serpent began to walk towards the forest, gingerly carrying Paonanalobogar in his arms.
“I… I saw you die. I wore your skin for weeks. How can this be possible?”
The serpent said nothing, and simply continued walking.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 7
If you have not read part 1 , part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, or part 6, do so before reading part 7.
Xuthos walked towards Paonanalobogar at a slow but steady pace. His face was emotionless and unreadable. Paonanalobogar struggled to free himself from the broken exoskeleton, but its weight was simply too much to lift. He was petrified with fear; the pain from the lemon juice in his wound was no longer being the most pressing issue. This man seemed to know who he was, and seemed to know that he was not the true king. Now that his suit was split from the collapse, if he were to be removed from his armor and exposed to the anxiously waiting army and onlookers from the castle, it would all be over. He closed his eyes and braced for the worst.
The sickening crack was deafening to the otherwise silent audience. Xuthos’ frail neck was tilted to the side and his legs were trembling, wobbling from side to side trying to maintain balance. A moment later, they both buckled at the knees and Xuthos was lying face down awkwardly on the dirt, next to the 40 pound slice of cheese that was responsible for the incident. The pterodactyl landed softly by Paonanalobogar and Wanahanakukouha stepped onto the ground from her mount. The only sound was a single onlooker doing the Arsenio Hall fist pump while shouting “Woof woof woof!”
The miners, now seemingly free from the spell that was controlling them, were screaming and scattering every which way like roaches when the light is turned on. The unicorn-horn-magic-man had up until this point been standing solemnly among the chaos, but after Xuthos’ spell had been broken, something seemed to activate in the magic-man’s brain. It lifted a pair of dim sunglasses to its eyes, and said sternly “It’s party time.” Its eyes began to glow, and in an instant its massive arm had swung into the castle, sending concrete and body parts sprawling all over the countryside. It moved quickly for a creature of its size, using it’s massive yet nimble arms to decimate the castle. The castle occupants were throwing cakes and pies at the creature, and shouting endless obscenities, but nothing seemed to deter it as it marched on, singing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”. Its assault became more and more aggressive, and before long the unicorn-horn magic man had breached the w alls and was tearing the castle up from the inside out, even going so far as to deface the king’s portraits by drawing unnecessary mustaches and clown noses where they did not belong.
Now that everyone was distracted, gone, or dead, Wanahanakukouha assisted Paonanalobogar in his exiting of the exoskeleton, and they both boarded the pterodactyl. Before taking off, Paonanalobogar took one more look at the motionless heap that was once Xoc Xuthos. The egg that he had been holding was now on its side on the ground beside Xuthos. A crack appeared in the shell. Then another crack. A tiny snout was protruding from the shell. It was only moments before the occupant of the egg was fully visible. It was a serpent. A Great Serpent.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 6
If you have not read part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, or part 5, do so before reading part 5.
By now the castle inhabitants had snapped out of their fascination and began to prepare for the inevitable oncoming battle. With Paonanalobogar and Wanahanakukouha gone, the responsibility of guarding the castle had fallen into the hands of their resident rodeo clown. Guards were stationed downstairs by the gates, armed for combat. The door was fortified with seven small band aids. Bags of flour were placed atop the castle walls to drop down on the enemies while they tried to break through the door / band aids. They were confident that they were going to win.
The enemy army was marching towards the castle at a steady pace, with Xuthos leading the way atop his monstrosity, still clutching the glowing egg. The closer they got to the castle, the brighter it glowed. When they were about 100 feet from the door, they stopped. The unicorn-horn-magic-man lifted the palm of his hand up to his shoulder, and Xuthos stepped on. The hand lowered slowly, and Xuthos stepped to the ground. He stepped forward and began to shout.
“Pretender to the throne! come out here and face the consequences for your actions! The true king will reign forever!”
The miners behind him looked at each other in puzzlement. A large man in suspenders stepped forward towards Xuthos. “I thought you said we were going to go back to the way things were. What is this king crap about? We’re not budging if you don’t explain yourself!” The other miners nodded in approval.
Xuthos’ eyes narrowed, and he lifted his slender finger towards the door. The man in suspenders jerked forward as if a marionette on strings. His elbows and knees jerked about in the air independently, sending him towards the door. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he began to chant. The other miners followed suit shortly after. They moved surprisingly quickly, charging the door and awkwardly flailing their arms against it. They were screaming, but it was not a battle cry, but a shriek of sheer terror.
Inside the castle, the band aids weren’t holding well. There were several people holding each band aid in place to keep the doors shut. Tension was increasing, but there were enough people waiting behind the door to ensure tremendous bloodshed, if they actually had real weapons instead of inflated balloon mallets.
Paonanalobogar waited in the bushes in his armor, sweating profusely. He didn’t know who this man was, but he apparently knew his true identity and wanted to hold him accountable. Fortunately, no one else seemed to know, or care, so Paonanalobogar decided his only option was to silence his critic.
The armor burst out of the bushes, and Paonanalobogar in his exoskeleton charged as fast as it could. The armor took a left step, and a right step, a left step, and then another left step. This miscalculation was costly, as the legs spread out and could not support the weight of the armor. The torso came crashing down between the legs, forcing a devastatingly forceful splits. The impact shook the armor to its core, and Paonanalobogar’s head crashed into the control panel, splitting the serpent suit and cutting deep into his forehead. He screamed in pain and flailed around within the armor uncontrollably, accidentally hitting the lemon mortar release lever. The lemon mortar armament began to leak into the cockpit into his open wound.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 5
If you have not read part 1, part 2, part 3, or part 4, do so before reading part 5.
“No! You don’t have to do this!” Wanahanakukouha shouted at her husband as he ran down the stairs.
“Yes, I have to prove to everyone that I deserve this!” he yelled back without even turning around. Wanahanakukouha knew that he was going to the cellar to activate his armored robot exoskeleton. The Great Serpent, or rather the man in the serpent skin (“Paonanalobogar” as his wife knew him) was never a good robot exoskeleton “pilot”, but he certainly enjoyed using it to terrorize nearby citizens. He would enter a city and demand cotton candy and “Tom and Jerry” fanfiction. Most citizens had no way to meet these demands as they were all scavenging for food themselves, after the war. These citizens, of course, were those people deemed too weak to work in the mines, so they were left to fend for themselves. Many of them were eaten by the mutated lions that now roamed free throughout America, but the rest led lives as homeless scavengers.
If his demands were somehow met, he would simply eat cotton candy and read the fanfiction, but if, as was normally the case, they were NOT met, he would go on a rampage. His exoskeleton was armed to the teeth with all sorts of revolutionary weapons. It was equipped with cannons that sprayed lemon juice into the eyes of his foes. Its fingers were each machine gun barrels that launched rapid fire lemons. It even had several mortars attached to its back, so that it could bombard the enemy with giant, poisonous lemons from hell.
If anything was going to stop the unicorn-horn beast, it was his robot exoskeleton, but Wanahanakukouha didn’t want to see her husband in harm’s way again. Fortunately, she had won a pterodactyl in a poker game with a caveman and had trained it to carry her from place to place. She loaded her satchel with a 40 pound slice of cheese and boarded the pterodactyl to join her husband in combat.
Meanwhile, the unicorn-horn-magic-man continued his march up the hill towards the castle. The castle was shoddily constructed due to Paonanalobogar wanting to have a castle immediately for purposes of prestige. It was already starting to buckle under its own weight, and if the people from the mines (let alone the unicorn-horn-magic-man) ever got inside, it would likely collapse, killing everyone inside without any sort of battle being necessary. The castle-dwellers weren’t aware of the structural problems however, so they were simply looking over to see what would happen. They were particularly interested in the man on the unicorn-horn-magic-man’s shoulder, who seemed to be commanding the army.
“Xoc Xuthos” stood on the mammoth shoulder of his creation. He wore a long, dark robe concealing his slender frame. He was an old man, well into his 80s, and his left eye was completely blood red. He had a thin (but long) beard that was tied into a braid under his chin, but no hair on his scalp. He had a huge scar from the top of his head down to his lips, between his eyes and splitting his nose. He grinned, revealing that most of his teeth were missing, and the ones that remained were gold. Xuthos slowly got to his feet with the help of his wand (doubling as a walking stick), and he began a chant in Latin. The miners below followed suit, chanting methodically with him. He reached his hand into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a small egg. He clasped it in his hands and it began to glow.
- Kent Wicklander
The Great Serpent: Part 4
If you have not read part 1, part 2, or part 3, do so before reading part 4.
“Stand back! Queen Wanahanakukouha has arrived!” a knight announced. The new Queen entered the room wearing a long red silk dress and a unicorn-horn covered crown. She wore an expression of smug contentment.
There had been a great deal of excitement and controversy over what had been considered an inter-species marriage between Queen Wanahanakukouha and The Great Serpent King. Some thought that it would ease the tensions between humans and serpents and perhaps alleviate what could be a coming war. Others were simply disgusted that a serpent would resort to taking a human queen. Still others were horrified that a human woman would betray her own species. Unfortunately, The Great Serpent was now fatter and more evil than ever, and he ruled with an iron fist, continuing the human oppression – exempting only his human wife.
The new queen walked through the center of the room towards her husband, the Great Serpent King, sitting on his throne. He took her hand and stood up, following her out the door onto the balcony. They looked over the edge of their new castle, surveying the kingdom. A cloud of dust hovered over everything in sight, from the extensive mining being done by human servants. They watched as a group of about a hundred serpents walked down towards the mine with empty wheelbarrows. This was a regular procedure where the serpents gathered the unicorn horns that had been dug up in the mines and brought them back to the castle. The queen had developed a fondness for watching this process, though her husband was less receptive due to his limited visibility through the serpent skin disguise.
A thunderous boom shook the entire castle. Everyone was terrified – serpents were not used to earthquakes. But this was no earthquake. The Great Serpent King was the first to spot it. Barely visible through the cloud of dust, movement was seen. An enormous white column burst out of the ground, followed by another. The columns rotated as they continued moving out of the earth, and another, larger white mass was seen holding them together at the ends. The larger white mass started twisting, and the columns bent in the middle. The white object then began to move organically.
By now everyone was watching over the balcony. As they watched in horror, The Great Serpent and his wife had no idea what to make of what was happening. As it continued to rise into view, its shape became apparent – it was humanoid in structure – two arms and two legs, but it was all white and lacked any distinguishing features. It had hands with long, slender fingers with at least 5 joints each. It was at least 500 feet tall.
“Look!” Wanahanakukouha shouted as she pointed at its shoulder. Everyone squinted and a small figure was spotted. It was a person. The figure was making grand gestures, and a massive horde of people came swarming out of the mine towards the incoming serpents. The white monstrosity turned towards the serpents as well. What followed was less a battle than it was a massacre.
“No wonder we’ve been facing a horn shortage!” Wanahanakukouha said. “They’ve been collecting them and gluing them together to make a giant monster, and they used their magic spells to bring it to life!”
The revolt had begun.
- Kent Wicklander
Big Wilson on the Beach
- ‘Shar Kassai
Strongar
- ‘Shar Kassai
The Great Serpent: Part 3
If you have not read Part 1 or Part 2, do so before reading Part 3.
“Wenches! I demand wenches!” the Great Serpent shouted. He lay on a golden throne, wearing a silk coat covered in jewels. Two knights entered the room dragging a woman in tattered clothes, kicking and screaming up the crimson carpet towards the Serpent. “Well hello there” he said. “How would you like to be my concubine tonight?”
Suddenly the door burst open. A fat, bearded man holding a wand stood in the doorway. He shouted “That’s my wife!” and pointed his wand at the Great Serpent. The Great Serpent laughed heartily, and commanded his knights to attack. The fat man was surprisingly nimble, dodging the swords, doing somersaults in mid-air, doing the splits in mid air while doing a backwards somersault, and so on. Eventually he was positioned between the two knights who had their swords drawn. They each lunged, plunging their swords right into his heart… but they continued forward, through his body. They lost control and slipped, and plunged their swords into each other’s chests. They fell to the ground in a heap. The fat man re-appeared at the doorway. “Hologram!” he shouted.
He took a few steps forward. The Serepent stood up and narrowed his eyes. He picked up his sceptre and stood between the fat man and his wife. The fat man screamed and charged.
The ensuing battle was back and forth, but eventually the Serpent gained the advantage. He got the fat man pinned to the ground and asked “Any last words?” The fat man pointed his wand at the top of the serpent’s head and the serpent’s skin peeled off like a banana, revealing a man in a yellow raincoat. There was several seconds of silence, and then the man in the raincoat began to cackle.
“We killed the serpent in the alley, no one could survive that barrage of punches. But we saw an opportunity - if we removed his skin and used it to pose as him, we could rally support behind our cause and ultimately rise to great power. And now you will die!”
His eyes widened and his grin quickly turned to a frown. He twitched several times before falling to his knees. Behind him, the fat man’s wife stood with part of the broken armrest from the throne still in her hand. The other half of the armrest was deeply embedded into the fisherman’s neck. She ran to her husband and they embraced.
The fat man looked around, back at the fisherman, and down at the skin. A sinister grin crossed his face. “What do you think, Wanahanakukouha?” Wanahanakukouha narrowed her eyes and grinned, while clasping her hands together in an evil-looking fashion. It was time for a new king. A king who is fatter and more tyrannical than ever before!
- Kent Wicklander
